


Hotline

by 21PilotsDead



Category: Halsey (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Drug Abuse, F/F, Gay Sex, Homosexuality, M/M, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, queer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-05-21 05:48:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 29,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6040549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/21PilotsDead/pseuds/21PilotsDead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler volunteers three nights a week at a suicide hotline while attending college. Josh is a depressed and suicidal high school kid . They meet by chance over a phone call. What happens after that phone call?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Best Frens

Tyler's P.O.V.

Tyler walked into the office with a smile and greeted his friends Ashley and Gerard who both peeked their heads out of their cubicles to wave at him despite being on the phone. Tyler passed them both and made his way to his own cubicle and set down his stuff. The sun was just beginning to set as he settled into his chair and awaited his first call.  
Tyler had been adamantly against working at a suicide hotline when the idea was first suggested to him by his therapist Patrick. But that short redhead man was convincing and just so nice that Tyler couldn’t say no. He’d been baffled at first why he would even be allowed to work here. After all he had tried to kill himself twice before, shouldn’t they try to get more mentally stable people to volunteer for this job. But no almost everyone working at the hotline had survived an attempt at their own lives and talked about how gratifying it was to help people through a shared experience.  
There had been weeks of training before he was even allowed to speak to a client on the phone and then it was supervised phone calls for two weeks before he was left on his own to help those in need. And it was an extremely gratifying job, Tyler quickly found that he had a way of talking to people merely because he could relate to how they were feeling because he’d been there before. Being able to help people had helped boost Tyler’s self esteem and gave him a sense of purpose that helped combat his depression. This job, coupled with his meds and weekly therapy had him feeling better than he could ever remember feeling before.  
The night happened to be a slow one and Tyler only fielded five calls, two of them being rather quick, one of them being dead air, and only two that resulted in a lengthy conversation. Three hours passed and soon his shift was over so he gathered up his things and walked out into the main part of the room. His two best friends from work Gerrard and Ashley were standing by the coffee machine drinking their fill. Ashley crashed into him with a hug, being one for excessive affection. Gerard just nodded his head in acknowledgement his fingers twitching in what Tyler could tell was need for a cigarette.  
Ashley was a tall girl with short blue hair, she was manic depressive with rare but intense psychotic episode which just meant that she had the occasional hallucination. She was such a loving girl who talked way too much and had an obsession with cats and memes but would do anything she could to help anyone out. What you couldn’t see underneath her baggy black hoodie were the burn marks from where she had set herself on fire. That had been five years ago now, her new medication had her a lot more stable.  
Gerard was the silent emo type with long raven colored hair. He spoke very little but when he did one caught a glimpse of his biting humor. Gerard was a recovering drug addict and alcoholic who suffered from severe depression. He lived off of coffee and cigarettes and has been sober for a year and a half. His hands shook slightly all the time and he had a nasty habit of biting his nails until they bled. But compared to the horrific amount of scars that he his underneath his sweater, this form of self harm was a lot healthier than it once had been.  
“Hey Ash, how are you today?”  
“I’m fucking incredible as always.”  
“How are you Gee?”  
“Good,” the sullen emo boy answered. Tyler just smiled at the man’s normal response.  
“Anything exciting going on with you guys?” Tyler asked.  
Ashley piped in right away, “my girlfriend Hayley and I are going away to a cabin in the mountains this weekend for our one year anniversary and I’m beyond excited because I’m going to learn how to ski.”  
“That’s awesome, I love skiing.”  
Ashley looked down at her phone and then exclaimed excitedly, “oops Hayley his here to pick me up so I gotta blast. Tyler I’ll snapchat you my amazing skiing skills.”  
Tyler laughed, “Alright I look forward to endless videos of you falling on your ass.”  
“Shut up, I’m gonna be amazing.”  
“You keep telling yourself that.”  
She gave him the finger before walking out. Tyler turned to Gerard and looked at his friend with some concern. “Hey mate we can go outside and chat for a bit if you need a cig.”  
Gerard just nodded and followed as Tyler lead them outside to a bench in front of the building. He watched as his raven haired friend’s shaky hands lit the cigarette and he inhaled as though he had been drowning and this was his first gulp of oxygen. “How are you holding up?”  
Gerard just shook his head unsure of what exactly to say. His longtime boyfriend Frank had relapsed on heroin and overdosed. Right now he was in rehab and Gerard was unable to see him for six weeks while he underwent intensive therapy. Gerard was a mess because Frank was his main support system and without him he was floundering around. “It was a bad day yesterday,” Gerard breathed out quietly as he stared at the ground. “I locked myself in my bedroom all day because I didn’t trust myself to not do something bad. I almost didn’t come today but I needed to get out and talk to people and not be alone.”  
“Oh Gerard,”Tyler said his heart breaking for his friend. “Why didn’t you call me? You know I said you can call me anytime at all and I’ll be there for you.”  
“I-I know I just don’t want to be a bother.”  
“Dude you’re my best mate you are never a bother to me. You know my roommate just moved out last week and I have the spare bedroom right now. How about you come and stay with me for a bit?”  
Gerard just nodded and stumped out his already finished cigarette only to light up another one right away. “I’ll just go grab some stuff and meet you at your place.”  
“Great I’ll order pizza and we’ll watch some Netflix.”  
Gerard nodded and got up and headed for his car. Tyler stood watching him for a moment before heading back inside to grab his things to leave.


	2. Chapter 2 - There's Hope

Being gay was a choice.  
That’s what everyone always said. That’s what Josh had always been taught. But the problem was he didn’t ever remember making a conscious decision to be gay. Why the fuck would he choose this? He hated being gay. His whole life had been spent trying to be the perfect son. He got near perfect grades, excelled at soccer, and was a youth leader at his church. His church was so important to him. Correction. Had been so important to him.   
That was all before the incident when everything came crashing down around him. He’d been on top of the world, one of the most popular boys at school. Now he was a social pariah.   
Perhaps the most twisted thing about the whole situation is that Josh believed he deserved everything that had happened to him. This was retribution for being a sin in the eyes of God. He was sure that he was hell bound. That very thought had his mind reeling and his heart racing with anxiety. He wouldn’t get to spend eternity with his parents and his brother and sister. This thought drive him to the edge time after time but he hadn’t had the balls to jump off that edge. Yet.   
Josh sat in church and his eyes roamed around the room as everyone else bowed their heads in prayer. He watched as the pastor spoke, each word held so much weight and reverberated about the room. At one time he would have been grasping onto every single word spoken, but he no longer felt the power of the words. The words that once would have set his soul alight and taken him soaring now threatened to suffocate him. He felt a pressure exuded by the words and he felt like he could hardly breath.   
The prayer ended and everyone’s head rose and their faces were awash with smiles and a sense of calm that they all got from the assurance of a higher power. But to Josh they were all staring at him with looks of shame, sorrow, and worst of all pity. They all pitied the poor gay boy whose soul was damned. They all hated him. People who had once been his friends now wouldn’t even meet his gaze. No one talked to him anymore. Josh was surrounded by people but he felt so alone. And him. He was there, two rows in front of him, just to the left.   
Jack had been his best friend. They’d been inseparable since they were kids, doing everything together. But then Josh had to go and ruin it all by trying to kiss him. He could have sworn Jack was leading him on, that he wanted it as well. But later as he was being lectured by his father he was told the truth. His perverted gay mind was warping his sense of reality and had made him believe things that weren’t true. They prayed for his soul that night. Josh cried himself to sleep.   
That had been the beginning of the end. Jack outed him to everyone at school and everyone in their church. Josh was ruined. sixteen years of accomplishment and success washed down the drain. Josh fell into a deep depression, that not even prayer could heal. His grades slipped so low that he was kicked off the soccer team. He was removed from his position as a youth leader in church because parents complained that he’d corrupt the children. He was left with nothing. All of his friends abandoned him and even his own brother couldn’t stand to be around him. He stayed in his bedroom all the time and read, it was the only thing he could do. He wasn’t allowed to have a computer anymore, lest he be further corrupted by online pornography.   
He’d been so close to ending it that day at school when he found a photoshopped picture of his head on that of a pornstar. The pornstar was in an extremely compromising position. The picture had been taped to his locker and everyone saw it. That photo was like a knife to his soul. His weak and damaged soul.  
That’s when he began thinking about it. It only began with thinking about the numerous ways that one could do it. And there were so many. Then began the hypothetical situations, in which he imagined how each way would feel. He began imagining how everyone would react. Would they feel remorse for the way that they had treated him. Would they shake their heads with pity at the thought of a young life with so much potential lost. A sick part of him wished that they would all be overwhelmed with guilt at the part they played in his downward spiral that lead him to take his own life. But he didn’t really think they would miss him. His parents would probably be glad to be rid of the shame that he cast upon the family.   
The day he found the photo taped to his locker he also happened to notice a poster on the wall. He had been rushing through the hallway, walking as fast as possible to the school parking lot so he could take refuge and breakdown in the safety of his car. Thinking of Suicide? The poster read. Need a friendly person to talk to? There’s hope. Call: 1-800-273-8255. Josh, his mind racing with bad thoughts thought it an incredibly ironic moment for him to just be noticing the very worn looking poster. He scoffed at it and breezed past it and out to his car where he could cry in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The phone number that I used in the story is the actual phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (In the U.S.). I hope any of you who need help take advantage of the free service. There are also numbers that you can text if you have anxiety about speaking to someone. Stay alive frens |-/


	3. Chapter 3 - Shame

Childhood was an unpleasant memory for Tyler. It was full of things Tyler would rather forget but unfortunately he never could. His father, the disciplinarian. His mother, the passive bystander. His brother, the perfect child. Him, the shame of the family. Shame had been a staple of his childhood. He was taught to feel shame about so many things. For who he was, how he acted, and everything he did.   
Religion was a big part of his childhood, he went to a private Christian school that taught creationism and used corporal punishment. Then on top of this there was Church every Wednesday night and Sunday morning. To think all the hours he wasted of his life sitting through mind numbing services was hard to fathom. Now it seemed almost if all of that was another life. A life of shame, tears, pain, and self loathing. There were some feelings one can never forget. For Tyler that was the sting of a belt on his behind and the sound of his father yelling at him to stop crying like a little faggot. He was five years old.   
Tyler reckoned his father hated him from the moment he was born. He didn’t know why, but ever since he could remember the cold stare of his father sent shivers down his spine. This look was one he came to know very well, when his father saw him playing with his cousin’s baby dolls or when he wandered over towards the dress up bin because the pretty dresses called out to him to come and play. His father the hardened ex marine was quick and sure in his crusade to break Tyler of any habits that he deemed unmanly. A sharp smack to the butt followed by an angry lecture coupled with a reddened face.   
By the time Tyler was ten years old he coward helplessly in the presence of his father. He would go out of his way to avoid being in the same room as him. He completely gave up on trying to be good enough in his father’s eyes because he could tell that he was damned. His mother was the only member of his family that didn’t look at him with some form of disgust, his brother was a miniature version of his father. His mother was a kind women, by quiet by nature and passive by nurture. A good women didn’t question her husband, that’s what she had been taught to believe.  
She loved her son, but she couldn’t speak up about the way her husband and eldest son treated him because it wasn’t possible for her. She had that innate sense that a mother often does about her son and his sexuality. She just hoped and prayed that for his own safety that he wouldn’t make his father wise to his fact before he was out of the house. They made it fifteen years before everything came to light and her world was shaken irrevocably and she was helpless to stop the explosion that happened.   
*******  
Gerard snored.   
That was what Tyler realized pretty quickly and caused him to groan internally. Gerard was laying across the couch with his head rested on Tyler’s lap. The two had settled in for a movie, but Gerard was so tired from lack of sleep that once he cuddled up with Tyler he didn’t last long before he was out. Tyler was happy that he was getting some rest but now he was trapped on the couch for the night. Oh well. It was worth it. Tyler was careful not to jostle his slumbering friend and turned the TV off.   
Tyler awoke the next morning to the smell of fried bacon and at first it was disconcerting because he currently lived alone. But then he remembered that Gerard had stayed the night so he jumped up from the couch and walked to the kitchen. He peeked his head around the door and saw Gerard standing with his back to him at the stove, happily humming a song and flipping bacon. Tyler stood and watched him cook for a moment and it put a smile on his face to see his friend cheerful after being down for awhile.   
“Good morning my emo songbird friend,” Tyler said with a happy grin on his face.   
Gerard was startled by his voice and jumped and spun around wielding a pair of tongs around like a weapon. “Fuck! Don’t scare me like that.”   
Tyler just laughed at his messy haired friend who thought that a pair of tongs were a viable weapon. “Sorry Gee. That bacon smells good. Is there perhaps enough for me?”  
“Well it’s your bacon from your fridge that I’ve cooked on your stove in your apartment so I suppose you can have one piece.”  
Tyler feigned gratitude and held his hand over his heart. “Aw thank you so much, you’re such a good friend to me.”  
“Yeah no problem,” Gerard muttered as he turned his attention back to the sizzling food on the stove.   
“Did you have a good night's rest on my lap?” Tyler asked as he took a sit at the small table over by the window.   
Tyler watched as Gerard blushed a little as Tyler spoke. “Yeah I did,” Gee spoke quietly. “I have a hard time sleeping alone.”  
“Well I’m glad to be of assistance my friend.”  
The two ate the delicious breakfast that Gerard made and chatted and kept it to light hearted topics. Tyler treasured every smile and laugh he was able to pull from his friend that morning. Gerard’s gratefulness for Tyler’s presence in his life was great that morning. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his friend for fear of disappointing him, just how close he had been to relapsing yesterday. How out of control he’d felt, how he shook the entire night alone in his room praying to die just so this feeling of want would stop. So his mind would stop racing with desire for chemicals that made him feel so good as they killed him. No. He didn’t tell Tyler any of this, he just made him breakfast.


	4. Chapter 4 - Island in the Sun

Josh stood in front of the mirror and stared at his body. He had changed so much in six short months. His body used to be lithe and muscular from playing soccer so much. But now without the game to keep him fit, his body was pudgier in the middle and his muscles much less defined than previously. The mental turmoil he faced was a true hardship but the physical manifestations of his sins were so much worse. His outward appearance had been his crowning achievement and now he was nothing. He was nothing and his body was shit.   
Josh couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror any longer and pulled on his faded black hoodie and zipped it all the way up in an attempt to hide his figure. He pulled the hood up over his head and forced himself to walk downstairs where the rest of his family was eating breakfast. No one spoke to him. He sat in silence as he forced himself to eat a poptart even though he had no discernable appetite. He watched his brother come racing down the stairs and give their mother a kiss, before he bolted out the door to head to school. He had to go to school earlier for lacrosse practice. Josh didn’t have to leave early anymore.   
But it was either leave early or stay here in the awkward and wholly uncomfortable presence of his parents. So he jumped up from the table muttered an unintelligible goodbye to his parents and trudged out the door. He took his time driving to school for a few reasons. One of them being that school was hell and he just wanted to delay his arrival there by every second that he could. Another reason that he drove slowly was that he cherished every second of time that he got to spend alone, without eyes of judgement beating down on him. He could blast his music and pretend that everything was fine for the few minutes it took him to drive somewhere and he savored every moment of it.   
He arrived to school and he still had time to wait before class began so he sat in the parking lot listening to music. He was anxious as he sat there waiting for the inevitable when he was have to get out of the safety of his car and be among his peers. The same peers that tormented him and made his life hell. He sat back and let the music carry him away, nothing like a little Weezer to make his cares melt away for a moment. Island in the Sun allowed his thoughts to float away as he imagined himself floating away to the safety of an island in the sun. An island where no one stared at him with pitying eyes that bordered on hatred. One where he was a soccer star again, one where he had the love of his father. One where his life was just one day of misery after another, seemingly endless. The song ended and he came back to reality, he came back just in time to hear a radio commercial.  
It’s the second leading cause of death among young people, ages ten to twenty four, one out of every six students considers it. We’re talking about suicide. If you or someone you know is considering taking their own life know that there is help. The Trevor Project is here to help, you can call or text toll free at 866-488-7386. Someone out there is willing to help, let them.   
Josh sat there rigidly listening to the commercial and as soon as it was finished he snapped off the radio and stormed out of the car. Was the universe trying to tell him something? The universe needed to fuck off, it had done enough already.   
School was long and monotonous but luckily this particular day was relatively uneventful. It was uneventful until last period of the day when he was walking back from the library to his class and he saw her standing there. Debbie, his ex girlfriend. She was standing by her locker putting some books away her back was to him. Josh slowed his walk and stared apprehensively at the girl he had once thought he loved. It wasn’t love, but he had cared deeply for her. Josh wanted to disappear in that moment and not have to face her.   
She had been devastated by Josh’s outing. She had been head over heels in love with Josh, she thought they had a love that would survive even high school. But then her boyfriend turned out to be gay and it was a huge embarrassment for her. She hadn’t spoken a word to him since the day that everything went down and refused to even look at him. It hurt Josh but being ignored by her hurt less than he supposed being yelled at by her would. It was all relative anyway.   
But here he was trapped in the hallway with her, about to come face to face with her and he found himself almost shaking with anxiety. He watched as she spun around from her locker and her eyes widened when she saw him standing there before her. She stalled for a moment and then gave him a small smile of recognition. She spoke first.  
“Hey.”  
“Hi,” Josh responded, his voice quiet as to hide the nervousness he felt.   
“How have you been?” She asked her voice gentle and holding no malous. She actually sounded like she cared.   
Josh lied. “I’ve been alright.”  
Her face softened and she drew up her books closer to her chest. “I know it’s been a rough few months for you, I’m really sorry I haven’t been there for you more.”  
“Why are you apologizing Debs? You didn’t do anything, I’m the one who’s a fag.”  
“Joshua! Don’t call yourself that. You’re a human being who happens to be gay. I’m apologizing because I should have been there for you more. Losing you was really hard for me, you weren’t just my best friend but my boyfriend. It was hard for me but I was being selfish because it’s been much harder for you. But I do still want to be your friend, I still love you just in a different more platonic way.”  
Josh felt as though he might start to cry. It had been so long since anyone had looked at him with compassion and respect that he’d forgotten what it felt like. Of course Debs would be this amazing about it, she was one of the kindest people on the planet. “If you wanna hang out or something this weekend I’d like that, text me.”  
She gave him a small wave and turned and walked away down the hall. Josh stood there feeling something that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Some hope. It was just an inkling, the smallest drop possible. But it was there and it gave him something.


	5. Chapter 5 - Positive

Tyler's P.O.V. 

“Sexuality is part of what makes us human. Naturally, its fundamental function is to propagate the species. But clearly, sex goes far beyond the powerful evolutionary instinct to procreate. Sex is also about sensual pleasure. Enjoyment. Excitement. Even ecstasy. In addition to the earthly and earthy delights of the flesh--the thrill of physically touching and being touched by another warm body, the mounting excitement toward sexual release, the climactic ecstasy of orgasm, and the pulsating, peaceful afterglow of relaxation following orgasm--human sexuality also serves both a psychological and spiritual purpose. Sex is a way of lessening our alienation, isolation and aloneness by physically connecting with another person at the most primal level of existence. Sex substantiates, humanizes and incarnates existence. It produces joy, love, comfort, affection, and sometimes, ecstasy.”  
“At some deeper level, sexuality is intimately linked with mortality. With birth and death. This association is depicted in Freud's poetic notion of Eros and Thanatos, the two fundamental instinctual forces of human existence, in which the positive sexual "life instinct" does eternal battle with the negative "death instinct". Sexuality fights against death, affirming life. Ultimately, death defeats sex. But instinctual sexual energy or eros, whether expressed in the creation of children, artistic work, caring relationships or heroic accomplishment, trumps death by transcending it in the future. Life goes on, a new generation is born, one is fondly remembered by family, lovers and friends, and what is created and accomplished lives on long beyond death. This close psychological connection between sex and death can also be found reflected in the French reference to sexual orgasm and its immediate aftermath as la petite mort, the little death. In this sense, sex provides a spiritually, psychologically and physically renewing ritual of death and rebirth, and a concrete reminder of their existential inseparability.”  
Professor Stillwell ceased speaking and looked up at the clock startled that so much time had passed. She spoke, “That’s where I leave you guys for today. When we meet again on Thursday we’re going to be taking a look at Freud’s theories on human sexuality compared to those of neo-Freudian, feminist, psychoanalyst Karen Horney. So you have that to look forward to on Thursday.”  
I closed my book and put in my bag before standing and walking towards the door. I stopped when I heard Professor Stillwell call my name. “Tyler how are you?” She asked warmly her face lit up with a kind smile. Professor Stillwell was my favorite professor. She had a true passion for the subject she taught, and she was a bundle of energy and positive affirmation.   
I turned to her and smiled. “I’m doing really well. How are you?”  
She chuckled, “I am wonderful, thanks for asking. I just wanted to see how your volunteer work at the hotline is going.”  
“It’s going really well, it can certainly be difficult at times but it’s rewarding. It makes me feel like I have a purpose, like I can help others with my past experiences and it’s actually really helping me. So perhaps it’s a slightly selfish endeavor, but yeah it makes me feel really good.”  
“I’m so glad to hear that. I see a lot of promise in you Tyler, you have quite a gift for compassion and empathy. Both of which can make being a therapist a bit difficult sometimes because people’s stories will really impact you. But I’m glad to see how you are handling it.”  
I burst out of the building and out into the cool but sunny fall afternoon. It was a beautiful day for a walk and I joyfully soaked in some of the last rays of the season before winter came and stole the sun. I let my mind wander as I made my way back to my apartment. I couldn’t help but remember a day just like this one, five years ago. The day I was kicked out of my house.   
The day that the entire course of my life changed. If I hadn’t been kicked out of the house when I was fifteen I wouldn’t be who I was today. But I couldn’t help but wonder who I would be? Living on the streets, selling my body to survive, the drugs, the alcohol. It was horrific and the worst time of my life. But I survived it, it made me stronger. But I still had scars, the aftermath of that life would be with me forever.   
The diagnosis has come during my hospitalization after my first suicide attempt. I had cut myself hoping to bleed out quickly and just end all my suffering immediately. Fortunately for me now, I hadn’t really known what I was doing so I didn’t bleed out, I just fainted and needed some stitches. My roommate at the time found me and took me to the hospital. The doctor was concerned about my physical and mental health, saying that I looked malnourished. I was never really hungry, so I rarely ate. They ordered a bunch of tests and that’s when they found out. An elderly doctor with white hair and a kind grandfatherly smile came in the room to tell me the news.   
I was HIV positive.   
I was seventeen years old.   
I couldn’t really fathom the gravity of the situation at the time. My mind just flew a mile a minute thinking of all the men I’d had unprotected sex with in order to make a living. The drugs I’d taken while trying to forget the things I’d done. One of them must have given it to me. I was so fucking stupid. The doctor wanted to keep me for a few days to get my weight back up and start me on some medication. But then there were questions about my parents and so I just upped and walked out. I went back to my shitty apartment with my arms wrapped in bandages and got drunk and high and tried to forget about what the doctor had told me.  
I was fine now, I knew HIV wasn’t the death sentence that it has once been. I was on my meds and I exercised and ate well. I did everything I could to stay healthy. Because a lot had changed since I was seventeen. I wanted to live now. There were so many things that I wanted to experience and just because I had this disease didn’t mean I was going to let it rule my life.


	6. Chapter 6 - Big Difference

Was it possible for the blackness of night to seem even darker than ever before? As though every star had fallen from the sky, taking with them every ounce of light left within the universe. Until one was forced to stumble around like a blind man through life. With no aid whatsoever from those around you. Alone and in the dark. It was terrifying.   
Depression was this ever encroaching blackness, threatening suffocation at any moment. It seemed futile to try and resist but it was one’s instinct to at least attempt to quell it. But it was unrelenting, far more so than the human spirit. The human spirit was just that--human. So it was doomed to weaken and eventually fail over time. Giving up eventually to the ever unforgiving blackness. Succumbing to the darkness seemed to be the only way to find light. That light being death, when one could finally be free from all that sought harm against them.  
Was death the path to lightness?  
**********  
“How long have you been suffering from these homosexual tendencies?” My therapist was a stern and foreboding presence. His eyes were dark and seemed to offer nothing but seriousness to the world. His voice was deep and flat, almost monotonous but a spark of emotion occasionally entered his inflection only when he spoke of sin. This was the first question he asked me after I settled into the old lumpy couch he had in his office.   
Homosexual tendencies.   
I was slightly taken aback that this was the first thing he would ask me during our first session. But I regained myself enough to answer his question. “Um I don’t know exactly. I feel like it’s been there most of my life, the feelings I mean. I didn’t really know what they feelings were until I was older, maybe around thirteen. That’s when I knew for sure but I knew it was wrong so I tried to ignore it.”  
He nodded his head. “Well it’s good to know that you have some self awareness about your sin. That it is a sin. But you are young, and have not transgressed so far that you are beyond saving which is positive.”   
I shook my head feeling numb to what he was saying. All I felt was intense confusion. Did I want to be fixed? What exactly was wrong with me? I hadn’t done anything but kiss one boy, and now I was here being treated as though I were an awful person.   
This therapy had been my parents idea. Conversion therapy. My father was convinced that this was the answer to all my problems, that I could be saved through this. I had done my own research. Conversion therapy was already illegal in several states due to the emotional damage it inflicted upon people. It had almost no success rate, and any perceived successes were not significant enough to be proof of anything. But I was still here. Anything to keep the peace.   
Did part of me want to be straight, to be normal? Yes. I wanted it more than anything. But did I really believe that it was something that could just be fixed? No. I’d struggled with it for too long. I had tried to fight the feelings on my own and I had been unsuccessful. This seemed futile. In my mind I had given up on life and this seemed like nothing but a waste of time. Especially if I was just going to kill myself.   
My mom was waiting outside to pick me up. She didn’t say a word when I walked into the lobby and saw her. She only stood and walked to the door, I followed after her. In the car she turned on the radio. She hated talking about it, my father was the more vocal one. I could tell the whole thing made her uncomfortable. I felt guilty for being the cause of her discomfort. I loved my mom and disappointing her was immensely painful. I went straight up to my room and turned on the radio in an attempt to avoid my own thoughts.   
Die. Die. Die.  
It would be so much easier for everyone if I was dead. All I ever did now was cause people unnecessary pain, discomfort and trouble. It wasn’t worth it, none of it was. I wasn’t good for anything anymore. My life was meaningless, I was worth less than nothing. Really I was just taking up space in the world. I was using up resources that could go to starving children.   
My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar commercial that seemed to be targeting me. This one was for some local suicide hotline. Blah blah blah, all these commercials were the same. Don’t do it, call us, you have so much to live for. Bullshit. They were all bullshit. It was bullshit but I still wrote the number down on an old homework assignment I had lying on my desk. I didn’t really know why at the time. But I wanted to live. I just wanted my situation to change, not my life to end. That was the big difference.


	7. Chapter 7 - Loneliness and the Scream

I gently set the phone back down on the receiver and set my head in my hands. My mind was a mess of emotions. It was the same feeling of dread and worry that washed over me every time I had phone call go silent and I lost someone. People hung up for lots of reasons, usually when I began pressing them too hard to talk. It took skill to gauge the direction of a conversation and to be able to steer it into more stable waters. But I had made a mistake and I had lost this caller. A young boy, only thirteen years old named Elijah. He was being bullied. The only thing I could do was hope and pray to a deity whose existence I doubted that he wouldn’t do anything drastic.  
I knew I needed to take a break so I popped out of my cubicle and headed toward the break room for some coffee. I took a cup of black coffee and went to sit for a few minutes at the small table in the room. I wasn’t there for two minutes before Ashley popped her head in the room, bringing with her a light of positive energy which was just what I needed at the moment. “Yo bro, how’s it hanging?”  
“Meh.”  
“Meh? What does ‘meh’ mean. En anglais s’il vous plait.”  
“I just had a kid hang up on me and I’m upset at myself for not keeping him on the line.”  
Ashley’s faced frowned slightly with sympathy. “It happens, you know that. We can only help those who allow us too and honestly that’s one of the hardest things about doing this.”  
Tyler gripped his cup of coffee tightly in his hands, “Yeah it really sucks.”  
“Wanna go grab a bite to eat after we get done here tonight? I’m forcing Gerard to go out into society tonight and you should totally come with. I was thinking pizza and a movie, but the night is open to whatever we want to do.”  
Tyler didn’t have to think about it for very long before he agreed. A night out with two of his best friends was exactly what he needed. He finished off his cup of coffee and went back to his cubicle, he had just another hour before his shift was up. And now he had plans to look forward to. That significantly brightened his disposition.   
Finally it was the end of his shift and Tyler grabbed his stuff to go meet Ashley and Gerard. The two of them were standing outside smoking at the benches near the bus stop. Tyler called out to them as he approached, “Frensssss! Wassup?”  
Gerard smirked, which was about as much of an expression as he ever gave. “The sky,” he responded wryly.  
“My cock, now that you’ve arrived,” Ashley responded with her usual brand of sass.  
“You two are such children,” Tyler muttered in mock disgust.   
“We’re not children, we merely have youthful spirits,” Ashley spoke.   
“So what’s tonight’s plan? Are we gonna tear up the town?” Tyler asked.  
“Oh you know it. First we’re gonna go get chinese, cause it’s Gee’s favorite. Then we’re gonna go see Zootopia because I love animals.”  
Tyler chuckled at Ashley’s enthusiasm. “Nice, sounds great.”  
The three of them spent them spent the night laughing and talking. It was exactly what all of them needed and Tyler found himself thankful to have them in his life. There had been a lot of bad times in his past. Times when he was alone and times when he surrounded himself with the wrong people who just took advantage of him. But Ashley and Gerard wanted nothing from him but friendship. They all understood each other and and the connection of shared experience solidified their bond.   
When Tyler made it back to his apartment later that night he sighed contently. It had been a good night and he was grateful. His apartment was too silent though as he found himself alone. Gerard had gone back to his own apartment two days before and he missed his friend. Now that his roommate had left and Gerard was gone, he was all alone. It was mildly unnerving to him.   
Tyler walked over and turned on the TV hoping the noise would make him feel a little better. It helped ease his restlessness a little bit, but he still felt something stirring within him. Loneliness. He was lonely.   
It had been almost four years since he’d been with anyone. The last time he even attempted dating hadn’t gone well. No one wanted to stick around after he disclosed his HIV status to them. It had been disheartening. Tyler had given up on looking for anyone, the constant rejection hurt too much. He just wanted someone who would love him for who he was, flaws and all. But after four years of being alone, he had begun to think he had too many flaws for anyone to want to put up with. He was too damaged to be loved by anyone romantically.   
There was nothing worth watching on TV, and his own thoughts were bothersome so Tyler decided to head to bed. There was nothing like being twenty two and going to bed at ten thirty on a Friday night. He went into the bathroom to take his meds and brush his teeth and then he slid into his unmade bed. Tonight of all nights, his queen size bed seemed to mock him with it’s large size and only a single occupant. It seemed too big and too cold.


	8. Chapter 8 - One Call Away

Therapy destroyed me. Every single session just served to further stifle my spirit, and crush my will to live. My dad was convinced that therapy was the answer to all my problems and that with it I could be saved. Because I was broken, useless, and better off dead.   
Obviously.   
They didn’t say it in so many words but that was the subtext I got. Therapy worsened not only my mental state but also my physical state. I had no appetite anymore, food just seemed pointless.   
The worst part of all of this was that nobody seemed to notice my pain. Either that or they noticed but didn’t care. I didn’t know which option it was but the voice in my head kept suggesting the latter. I was inclined to agree with the voice in my head.   
No one seemed to notice how I was barely hanging on. In my mind I was clinging onto the side of a cliff screaming for help but no one heard me. My screams were ignored and people even went as far as to stomp on my hands.   
My brother and I used to be really close. He was my little brother and he had spent his whole life following me around, and doing everything I did. It had been annoying when we were little. But once we got older and started playing sports on the same team we became a lot closer. He became less of an annoying little brother and more like a friend. It had been a welcome change, and I really valued his friendship.   
But since I had been outed he could barely look me in the eye, let alone talk to me. He was embarrassed, that I could tell. It had been hard on him, guys our age weren’t kind to people like me and he was guilty by association. I think he’d probably badmouthed me enough to win back most of his friends but still he wouldn’t speak to me. Losing him had hurt a lot, but the complete lack of acknowledgement felt like the knife in my abdomen was being twisted.   
I was in my bedroom because that’s where I spent the majority of my time. I was laying on my bed reading to pass the time when my brother came barging into the room. He stopped abruptly when he saw me. We locked eyes, it was almost as if he were seeing me for the first time. His eyes were angry. In that moment he reminded me so much of our father it was scary. His eyes had the same fiery glare.   
He didn’t speak so I spoke up first. “Can I help you with something?”  
His voice was deep and steady when he spoke. “You’ve done enough.”  
I shook my head in momentary confusion. “What?”  
“You know what! This goddamn queer thing.” His voice rose a level in volume and venom seeped into his words. I was taken aback. “You’ve ruined our family with your selfishness. You had no right to act like a fucking fag and galavant around town. Do you know what this has done to mom and dad? They fight because of you. Our family’s good reputation around town, at church. Ruined! Because you want to be some fucking cocksucker.”  
I sat there stone faced and listened to every word he said. He was confirming all my worst suspicions. Everything I’d feared most was true. I was paralysed.   
“You’d be better off dead, than here causing everyone nothing but grief and disappointment.”  
With that he stormed out of the room, slamming my door shut behind him. I remained paralysed in the same spot on the bed. I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my head, and my blood had run cold. I felt the tears running down my cheeks but I made no move to wipe them up.   
Dead.  
My little brother wanted me dead. Apparently having a dead brother would be better for him than having a gay brother. Noted.   
It all seemed very dreamlike. It felt almost as though my spirit was floating outside of my body. I rose from the bed, leaving my book open on the bed. I made my way across the hall to the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet. Lined perfectly along the top shelf were several bottles of pain reliever and various other pills. I grabbed a random bottle, they would all do the same job.   
I tucked the bottle in the pocket of my sweatshirt and walked quietly back through the hallway to my room./ I sat back down on the edge of my bed and stared at the bottle of ibuprofen. I read the directions, they said take one or two by mouth. I read over all the warnings, keep out of reach of children. They should have added keep out of reach of children and suicidal people.   
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was suicidal. And not just passively suicidal but like actively suicidal. I was holding the pills in my hand, the only thing I needed to do was ingest them and wait for death. It was so stupidly simple. I could be dead in five minutes. Or ten minutes, or even twenty minutes depending on how long I sat here thinking about it. I was so close to death. It was terrifying.   
It hit me then. Death was scary to me. I didn’t want to meet it yet. My entire life was nothing but sadness now but I didn’t want death, I wanted my life to change. I thought these things but still in my hand I held the bottle of pills. My brother’s voice, Jack’s voice, the voice of my therapist, of my parents. All their voices were a chorus in my mind, chanting death wishes at me. Telling me all the reasons it would be for the best if I killed myself.   
I took the lid off the bottle and looked down in at the tiny blue pills. They were so small and innocent looking. To a child they looked like candy, to an adult they looked like reprieve from pain. To me they looked like reprieve from my suffering. I poured one out into my other hand and held it. It felt cold in my hand but sent a bolt of electricity through my body. It felt too light in my hand by itself, the one pill. So I poured out a second.  
Two pills was what I took to calm a headache. This amount wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t do anything to hurt me at all. Three was above the prescribed limit but it still wouldn’t harm me in anyway. I would need more. But I would also need a drink to wash them down with. My water bottle sat on my desk. I set the pills down on the bed and went to go get it from across the room.   
I lifted the bottle of water from my desk and underneath it I saw my messy scrawl. It was the number to the suicide hotline that I’d written down. I picked it up and stared at it. A feeling of self awareness washed over me and I knew I needed to call. I needed to call because I didn’t want to die, but I would if someone didn’t stop me.   
I found my cellphone and slowly dialed each digit. Then I hit call, before I had time to think about it because I knew I would chicken out if I thought about it. It rang exactly five times before a male voice picked up.   
“Hello this is Columbus Area Crisis Hotline. My name is Tyler, how can I assist you today?”


	9. Chapter 9 - My Story

Tyler felt broken as he stared at himself in the mirror of his dingy apartment bathroom. He felt broken beyond repair, nothing would be alright for him again. Why couldn’t it have worked the first time, why wasn’t he dead yet? He supposed that given enough time he would die sooner rather than later. People with HIV, especially untreated, tended to die sooner. But still it would take too long, it could take years. Tyler didn’t want to wait that long.   
No, he wanted death now. He hadn’t been successful the last time he tried to kill himself just a few months before. But this time he would, he would research it better so he didn’t fuck it up. This was too important to fuck up again.  
It was hard to get by anymore. He couldn’t bring himself to sleep with anymore men and risk infecting others. He was in a bad mental state but he couldn’t bring himself to harm others. No one deserved this kind of death sentence. But without the income from sleeping around, he was running out of money and would soon get kicked out of his apartment, his roommates had no sympathy, they were junkies themselves. But it wouldn’t matter for much longer, there was no need for money in Hell.   
Tyler was thinking about using pills this time. It was less gruesome than a blade, less of a statement. But it would be more likely to work. He just had to find a place to do it. Someplace secluded where he could make his departure uninterrupted. He just had to wait and find the right place. That’s what he told himself. Until he found the right spot he wouldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it. 

******  
It was a slow day at the hotline. Tyler had only fielded three calls the entire time he’d been there and they’d all been pretty quick to resolve. He had just sat down after getting a fresh cup of coffee and was taking a sip when his phone rang. He rushed to carefully set down the cup of hot liquid so he could pick up the phone.   
“Hello this is Columbus Area Crisis Hotline. My name is Tyler, how can I assist you today?” Tyler recited the memorized intro with ease and settled in to help whoever was calling.  
“Hello?” A small voice questioned.  
“Hi, what’s your name?” Tyler prompted, sensing that whoever was on the phone was shy and needed to be prompted to speak.  
“Joshua. You can just call me Josh.”  
“And how are you today Josh?”  
“Not very good.”  
“I’m sorry to hear that, care to elaborate?”  
“I want to kill myself...but I don’t want to die. Not really.”  
Tyler sat forward his eyes wide with understanding. This was the type of call he understood all too well. He had been there before. He was also proof that one could make it through.   
“I’m sorry to hear that, would you like to share with me why you feel like ending your life.”  
“It’s a long story.”  
“We have all the time in the world.” In truth Tyler only had an hour left of his shift but he knew he would stay on the phone with Josh as long as it took.   
“I’m gay...I’ve never admitted that out loud before, never said the words I mean. But I am and a lot of people don’t like that.”   
“Good for you for saying the words aloud. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just who you are. Some hateful minded people may have an issue with it but there’s lots of good people in the world who will love you for who you are. You just have to find them.”  
“I don’t think I’ll ever find people like that. Everyone in my life hates me. If they don’t hate me they at least pity me which in a way is almost worse. My parents hate me, they make me go to conversion therapy. They’re trying to change me. Part of me wants to be normal but I know it won’t work.”   
Tyler could tell that Josh was really beginning to open up. This was good. He’d probably been bottling up all of these things for a long time. It gave Tyler some assurance that he could help this boy. “Conversion therapy doesn’t work at all. That’s horrible that they are putting you through that. Being gay is normal, don’t think you are some freak of nature just because of who you happen to be attracted to.”   
“Everybody makes me feel like a freak. All my old friends no longer talk to me. I’m a social pariah at school. It’s all my fault because I tried to kiss my ex best friend. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I would take it back in a heartbeat but I can’t. I’m stuck in this hell.”  
“So your ex best friend outed you?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Try and think of it this way. If he was willing to out you, knowing how people would react, was he really someone you would want for a best friend anyway. You deserve friends who don’t go out of their way to hurt you, friends that will be there for you and stand by your side.”  
Josh lashed out in anger, “Don’t you think I know that! I know it’s fucked up, that I’m fucked in the head. I do. I realize that I shouldn’t want to still be friends with someone who did such a fucked up thing to me but I do. I just want my old life back. It was sure as hell better than what I have now. But I’ll never get it back. I am better off dead now, even my own brother thinks so. I’m an embarrassment to him and to everyone else.”  
Tyler backpedaled quickly. “I’m sorry if I misspoke. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, I am only trying to help. I have to ask you, do you have any immediate plans to harm yourself?”  
“Yes.” Josh spoke quietly. The volume with which he spoke in anger had completely dissipated.   
“Can I ask you what your plans are?”  
“I have pills. I was going to swallow a bunch of them. I’m too chicken to do anything else. I don’t want to leave a mess.”  
Pills. Tyler remembered his own affair with a bottle of pills. It hadn’t been pleasant. Not in the least. Having your stomach pumped was not something he would recommend.   
Josh spoke again, this time his voice breaking as he did so. “I just want all of this to end. It’s too much for me.”  
Tyler sucked in a breath. It wasn’t something he usually did, but he saw so much of himself in Josh. He felt a connection to this stranger on the other end of the line. He not only needed to save him, he had to. He just had to help him.   
“Let me tell you my own story,” Tyler said his voice calm while his mind raced.   
“Okay.”


	10. Chapter 10 - Stranger on the Phone

I was seven years old when I saw two men holding hands at the beach. I was intrigued because I’d never seen two men show affection in this way before. I was curious. I turned to my mom who was reading a book while laying on a beach towel and asked her what they were doing. She looked up confused, “who?”  
I pointed to the two men across the beach from us. My mom’s eyebrows furrowed and a disapproving look crossed her face. Was this a bad thing? Were the two men holding hands bad men? My seven year old mind raced to several conclusions before my mom answered me.   
“Joshua, those two men are homosexuals,” she spat out the last word. By the tone of her voice and the look on her face I knew this must be a bad thing. “It’s an unnatural thing, two men aren’t supposed to be together. They can’t have children like a mommy and a daddy can. It’s a sin in the eyes of God.”  
That was all she had to say on the matter. She told me to stay on this side of the beach, away from them. Then she went back to her book and I went back to building my sandcastle. But the whole time I worked on my sandcastle I kept stealing glances over at the two men holding hands. It was so confusing to me because they didn’t look evil, like the monsters in my story book. They were laughing and smiling and that was really nice. But if mom said they were bad then I had to believe her, she was my mom after all.   
I still thought of those two men today.   
******  
“Let me tell you my own story,” Tyler told me.   
I said okay more so out of curiosity than any hope that his story would save me. Curiosity killed the cat right?   
Would it save me?  
He told me his life story, starting from his childhood and his abusive father to his life on the streets. I was silent the entire time he spoke. From his story I gathered one thing. Some people really did have it worse. My parents may be ashamed of me, and trying to change a core part of who I was but they never hit me, or kicked me out of the house. I was never forced to sell my body in order to survive.   
Yeah my life sucked, but a lot of other people’s lives sucked a lot more than mine. He had survived two suicide attempts and he was happy to be alive. He had survived drug addiction and was happy to be alive. He had survived selling his body and he was happy to be alive. If he could make it through what he had, then I should be able to as well.   
I sighed and looked down at the pills in my hand. I knew I should put them back in the bottle and twist the cap on tight and put it away, far away from me. But I was hesitant. Why was I reluctant to put them away? I didn’t want to have to put them down and go face the world. The mere thought was enough to make me keep the pills in my hand.   
“Do you have pills?” Tyler asked me.  
“Yeah.”  
“Can you put them away for me? Put them away from where you are? I want you to be safe tonight.”  
I held back the new tears that threatened to escape my eyes. Just hearing that someone wanted me to be safe. That was what I needed to hear because I had felt so unloved by everyone in my life lately. But even from a stranger on the phone, it felt nice to hear that someone wanted me to stick around. Because the only voice I heard in my head was that of my brother telling me he wanted me dead.   
I resolved myself to live at least one more day. I would do it for this nice stranger on the phone, if I couldn’t do it for myself. I pushed my brother’s voice out of my head for the moment and carefully poured the pills back in the bottle. I threw it across the room from me and it hit the wall with a thud. It resonated in my head like a gunshot.   
“I got rid of the pills. I won’t do it tonight.”  
“Thank you Josh. That really means alot to me. Is there anything else I can help you with this evening?”  
“No.” I said this with some uncertainty as I didn’t really trust myself. “I...I think I’ll be alright.”  
“Okay, I’m going to give you the name of a few local therapists that you may want to look into seeing. We have our own therapist that volunteer their time here, if money or insurance is an issue.”   
He gave me the name of the therapists. I knew I should get some more help, but I was fairly sure I wouldn’t go and see these strangers. I didn’t have a very high regard of therapists due to the horrific excuse of a man I was forced to see twice a week.   
“Josh? I just want you to know that I work here Monday, Wednesday, and Friday’s from 4-9 p.m. so if you need to talk again, you can call this number and ask the operator for my name. If I’m free she can transfer you to me.”  
“Thank you Tyler. I don’t really know what to say. But yeah thanks for helping me tonight. Goodbye.”  
I hung up after he said goodbye to me. When I hung up I realized I was alone again, and everything felt strange and foreign to me. I got up from the bed and stumbled across the room and picked up the bottle of pills. It felt so heavy in my hand as I carried it back to the bathroom and put it back in the medicine cupboard. It fit back perfect in it’s spot between two other bottles. It was like I had never taken it, like I’d never wanted to die.   
I walked back out into the hallway and saw my mother heading to her bedroom. She startled me. I jumped in alarm at the sight of her. She was blissfully unaware of the fact that she could have had a dead son when she woke up in the morning. It made me feel a little guilty.   
“Heading to bed honey? Goodnight.”  
“Night mom,” I forced out, trying not to let my voice shake too much.   
I went back to my room and locked myself in my room. I thought of Tyler that night, and the fact that without him, I might be dead right now. That thought shook me.


	11. Chapter 11 - House of Silver

“Ty, you ready go?” Ashley asked me, poking her head into my cubicle. She actually startled me, I had been lost in my own thoughts for several minutes, her voice brought me back to reality.   
“What?” I asked not hearing her first question.  
“You ready to go?”  
“Um yeah, I think so. I just need to go grab my stuff.”  
“Okay. I’ gonna go wait outside with Gerard while he has his smoke. Meet us out by the bench.”  
“Will do.” As soon as she left I stood from the chair and glanced out the window at the dark sky. It had been light out when I began talking to Josh. So much time had passed, looking at the clock I saw that we had talked for almost three hours. Three whole hours to save a life. Except he only promised one night. One night was nothing compared to the infinite number of days possible in a human life.   
I was haunted by him because I understood where he was all too well. I was scared for him because I knew all the dark thoughts that could infiltrate the mind. Thoughts that taunted and tormented and tore you apart. It took so much to rid oneself of those thoughts. It had taken me years and still the thoughts would creep back to me sometimes. I knew how to deal with them better now, but the point is one night was a lot to promise, but it didn’t promise much. It didn’t promise an entire lifetime.   
I wanted that for everybody, but especially for this stranger on the phone. This stranger who I felt oddly connected to, even though I didn’t even know his last name. The desperation in his voice continued to echo in my mind, and I wanted nothing more than to be the one to rid his voice of that hopelessness and desperation. It was crazy of me to think this way and I knew it, it wasn’t good to become so invested in one of my clients. But I couldn’t help what I was feeling.   
I walked back to the break room and grabbed my stuff before going outside to meet my friends. Gerard was sat back with most of his hair in his face and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Ashley sat beside him carrying on with a one sided conversation which was a special skill of hers. I had to smile at the view. They were both ridiculous human beings and I loved them so much for it.   
Ashley halted her passionate speech about why jam was better than jelly when she saw me. “Yo Ty Jo get over here! The next bus will be here any second now.”  
“My timing is impeccable as always.”  
A small sound escaped from Gerard, “ha.”  
“What Gerard, do you have something to say to me?” I shook my head, I knew he was laughing about my horrific track record with being on time. There was one time, I showed up two hours late to my own surprise party. But really that wasn’t completely my fault, I had fallen asleep on the bus and ended up three towns over.   
“Nah, it’s nothing,” he muttered with an amused expression on his face.   
I grinned knowingly. “Yeah that’s what I thought.”   
The bus came and my two friends boarded but I decided to stay behind and walk home. Ashley asked me if anything was wrong and I told her I just wanted to clear my head on a walk. She looked concerned and I knew she would probably send me a million texts and snaps tonight, being the mother hen that she was. I waved goodbye to them and slowly made my way home through the dark streets.   
My mom saved me. She was called the second time I ended up in the hospital, and she came and saw me. She broke down when she saw the state I was in and resolved to get me help. Without my father knowing she got me into a rehab center and paid for all of my treatment. If she hadn’t stepped in and gotten me into treatment I know I would be dead now. That was almost five years ago now. I didn’t know how so much time had passed, how I had changed so much. But I had and I was thankful for it.   
I knew I should text my mom sometime, it had been a while since I’d last spoken to her. Almost a month and a half. It was hard because in order for me to see her, she had to get away from my father. As far as he knew she had nothing to do with me and my whereabouts were unknown. It hurt a lot. It hurt so much to not be able to see my family, not that I missed my father or brother that much. But my extended family still didn’t know about me, and where I was.   
I knew my mom loved me, I knew she went out of her way to provide for me as best as she could given our situation. I wouldn’t be able to afford my rent and go to school at the same time if it weren’t for her financial help. But a part of me still resented her for allowing my father to kick me out of the house in the first place. For not confronting my father and being on my side throughout my childhood. It was hard because I loved this person but I was also faced with her flaws. It had been a constant battle for me throughout my life, but it seemed worse since we reconnected.   
I stored these thoughts away for the time being, resolving to bring it up at my next therapy appointment. I arrived home to my empty apartment and tried not to let the silence get to me as I settled in for the night. It wasn’t too hard to forget the silence as my thoughts were consumed with the boy named Josh who wanted not live and not to die.


	12. Chapter 12 - The Preference of Nothing

Time passed, night melded into day and the sun rose in the sky. A new day began much to my chagrin. I was confronted with the reality that no matter how much one begged, the universe would not halt its own existence. The universe was both cruel and persistent. And human beings, we were forced to live our lives within this ever expansive death trap.   
It was such a harsh reality to have to stare outside and see the shine shining high in blue sky. Everyone around me awoke, and I would soon have to confront them. I could hear my family clattering around downstairs. Breakfast. I wasn’t hungry. My stomach felt hollow and empty, but I felt no desire to fill it. A sense of almost dread seemed to overwhelm me when I imagined the scenario of having to walk downstairs to face my family.   
My mom, with the sweet round face and big bright blue eyes that radiated nothing but kindness. But lately they radiated stress more often than not, because of me. I loved her, but I disappointed her. My father, with crows feet near his eyes which could at times be open and warm but were more often clouded with sternness. Lately there had been a lot of anger and frustration in his eyes. I did that to him. And my brother, how could I face him? He wanted me dead and I wasn’t. Not yet.   
I found myself rendered immobile upon my bed. Nothing could remove me from my sanctuary. Here I was safe, there was no one around to anger or disappoint. There wasn’t a single condescending or pitiful look upon me and so I felt alright. But if I stayed here than sooner or later someone would come to get me. They would never just leave me alone. I just wanted the world to fall away from me.   
I started crying, I couldn’t help the tears that flooded my eyes. The tears were silent as sobs wracked my body. Everything was bad. So so bad and it would never be good again. I knew it, I knew it deep in my gut. I remembered Tyler’s words but they weren’t resonating with me in that moment. All I knew in that moment was the pain and desperation I felt inside of me. There was nothing I could do, I was helpless.   
My mom found me like that.  
The look on her face was one of fear. I couldn’t stop crying even though I felt embarrassed that she was seeing me like this. I didn’t like people seeing behind the mask I had built up. She sat down on the edge of my bed and gazed into my eyes with worry. “Honey what’s the matter? Are you hurt?”  
I didn’t quite know what to say. Yes I was hurt but not in the physical sense. There were no bruises or markings upon my body. But my mind seemed to be broken beyond repair. Mentally I was hurt, but that wasn’t the kind of injury my mom understood. She knew how to ice a twisted ankle, clean a scrape or a bruise, kiss a boo boo and make it better. But my injury wasn’t something she could just kiss and make better. It was beyond even that. There was so much I wanted to explain to my mom but I didn’t know how so I just didn’t.   
I shrugged it off and told her I was fine. She didn’t believe me, her disbelief shone in her eyes like a spotlight right into my own. But she didn’t say anything further. She brushed my overgrown bangs out of my eyes with her hand and bent down and kissed my forehead. I stopped crying. She looked at me for a moment and I could have sworn I saw her hang her head just the slightest as though she felt guilt or even remorse. But maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to.   
She patted me on the shoulder and told me that there were pancakes downstairs waiting for me if I was hungry. Then she got up and left. She closed the door behind her and I stared at it. With my right hand I felt the spot on the bed where she had just been sitting not a moment before. It was still warm. I kept my hand there until all the warmth had evaporated. Then I felt cold, colder than I had before. But I still couldn’t move. And I didn’t, I remained in bed the entire day. Nobody else came in my room that day. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I felt nothing. Nothing was preferable.


	13. Chapter 13 - Mother

I was sitting in class trying my best to pay attention to Professor Stillwell’s lecture but my mind just kept wandering. I was set to meet my mom later this afternoon to catch up because it had been awhile since I’d last seen her. I always felt some sort of trepidation about seeing my mom. I didn’t really understand exactly why I felt the way I did, but it was unavoidable. I felt some fear that perhaps someday she would abandon me again. Leave me on my own, and that brought back too many memories from my first few weeks living on the streets.   
It was hard not to imagine what would happen if my mom stopped helping me. Would I end up on the street again? Would I end up addicted to drugs? Would I have to sell my body again? Logically I knew that my mom wasn’t going anywhere and even if she did I had a better support system in place now. I would be fine no matter what happened, I would never end up like I was before.   
Professor Stillwell motioned for me to come over and speak to her as I was leaving after class. Her short gray hair was tucked behind her ears and her simple black glasses rested almost on the end of her nose. Her smile was kind and welcoming. She had such a warm and positive energy about her which was part of the reason I loved her class so much.   
“Hey Tyler how are you? You seemed a little distracted today, is everything alright?”  
“Yeah I’m a little distracted today, I’m going to meet my mom for coffee later. I haven’t seen her in about a month and yeah it just always makes me a little anxious to see her.”  
She nodded in acknowledgement. “I see, well that is a justifiable reason for being a tad bit distracted during my brilliant lecture on sexual development in adolescents.”  
I smiled. “Don’t worry, I got most of it.”  
She got more serious for a moment. “I don’t worry about you knowing the information, you’re one of my best and brightest students. I just want to make sure you are doing alright. You know I’m always here to listen, hell sometimes I do miss my days as a clinical psychologist.”  
“Thank you Professor, I promise I’ll come to you if I need to.”  
“Okay Tyler, well you best be on your way. Best of luck with your mother this afternoon. You know I’m always rooting for you kid.”  
I smiled. “I know you are.”   
I walked out of class feeling a bit better. I walked back to my apartment to do some work before I had to meet my mom. I tried my best to stay focused but after about an hour of trying I gave up and decided to head into town early. I headed to the park for a bit because it was beautiful and would assuredly capture my attention and keep me interested for awhile.   
The park was filled with a few families here and there. Moms and dads with their young children sitting on blankets, kids running around playing tag and screaming, and parents laughing and joking around with their kids. It was so perfect and picturesque. It was something I desperately wanted someday. I wanted to have kids of my own someday, kids that I would love unconditionally no matter what.   
But right now it seemed pretty unlikely. I was an HIV positive, recovering drug addict with fragile mental health. It seemed highly unlikely that anyone would ever want to settle down with me, and even less likely that the state would allow me to adopt children. The thought made me a little sad so I headed out of the park and towards the cafe. I would be early but I didn’t care, I just wanted some caffeine seeing that I couldn’t have anything stronger.   
I sat at our usual table in the back corner with my double shot espresso on ice and sipped at it as I waited. I actually didn’t have to wait that long as my mother showed up early. She ordered her drink and then came and sat across from me at the little table. “Hello sweetie, how are you?”  
I shrugged, “I’m doing okay.”  
I couldn’t help but look at my mom and study the ways in which she had changed. Her hair had several more greys than I previously remembered, and a few more wrinkles on her face. She looked tired, the bags under her eyes giving it away. I felt bad, thinking that perhaps I was the reason for some of these changes in her. My therapist kept insisting that I needed to stop blaming myself for everything, but it was a habit that was hard to kick.   
“You look really good honey, you’re health is good? The medications are giving you any trouble?”  
“Yeah physically I feel great. My meds have finally balanced out.”  
“That’s great, it was rough there for a little bit.”  
I just nodded not really wanting to reflect on some of the negative effects I’d had to the drugs.   
“And school, how’s that?”  
“Really great, I’m on track to make the Dean’s list again.”  
She smiled, “I’m so proud of you Tyler. You work so hard and deserve every grade you get.”   
The rest of the conversation centered around my life and how I was doing. It was all mostly surface stuff, my mother never dived too deep with me. I understood why though. She gave me a hug before I left like she always did and I savored it. She smelt like home, my old home. It was so familiar to me, and yet such a distant memory. She waved at me from where I stood on the sidewalk watching her walk back to her car. She would head back home to my dad and my brother. I would head back home to nothing.


	14. Chapter 14 - Blurry

Gym class was the worst. It was specifically the locker room that was the worst for me. I had class with almost all of my former soccer teammates and Jack. They went out of their way to make it a hellish experience for me. They called me names, stole my clothes, and made an obscene amount of ‘jokes’ at my expense. It was all extremely immature but horrifically effective at making me just about sick every time I had to force myself to go change for class.  
In the beginning I had more energy to fight back every time they tried to rough me up while we played flag football or basketball. They went out of their way to try and hurt me during games, the same people who once had my back during games now tried to injure me. But I had very little energy or willpower left in me to fight back. So I just let the slam me into the ground, and jab me in the ribs with their elbows. I just let it happen and didn’t say a word. Anybody that may have noticed didn’t say a word either. We were all so complicit.  
It was the day after the incident with my mother, in which I spent an entire day in my bed. I had to force myself up the next day for school because if I missed school my father would get involved and I couldn’t handle any more of his anger. He terrified me. So I faced my stone faced brother and went to school.  
I felt like a zombie. I was there in person but mentally I was absent. It was as if my mind had disassociated from my physical being. I drifted throughout the day from class to class until it was time for gym. It snapped me out of my reverie and forced me to be present. I slid quietly into the locker room and slipped past everybody to my locker in the back corner. I changed as fast as I could, just throwing on my shorts and leaving on the shirt I was already wearing.  
I was just about to make it out the side door into the gym when someone pulled me back by the collar of my shirt. I stumbled and fell onto my back on the hard cement floor. “Josh where are you going? Didn’t you get the memo that fags aren’t allowed in gym class anymore.”  
Jack.  
I didn’t respond as I stood up. Jack and two of my former teammates, Max and Chad, backed me up against the lockers. “I don’t want any trouble, just let me go,” I muttered, not really believing that they would listen to me but trying nonetheless.  
“What? You’re the one who started all this trouble when you decided to be a fag. We’re the ones who have had to deal with all the shit you caused. And really we’ve been too kind all of these months letting you off so easy for what you did.”  
I didn’t even have time to react before Jack’s fist was coiled back and hit me square in the face. I heard my nose crack before I felt it. Then there was a lot of red. I felt hand holding my arms back as the punches kept coming; to my face, my chest, and my stomach. I didn’t fight back or even try to get away. I had no desire left within me to do so. Maybe they would kill me. It would save me the job. In a way I should be grateful.  
They didn’t kill me though, they just left me a bloody mess on the ground and went to class. I just laid there for several minutes allowing the waves of pain to wash over me. I deserved each ounce of pain I experienced, Jack was right this was all my fault. I had brought all of this upon everyone. If I hadn’t been a fag then no one would be in this situation.  
I crawled over to the sink and pulled myself up. I assessed the damage in the mirror and got some wet paper towel to try and clean myself up. I was able to clean away most of the blood. The red I wiped away revealed black and blue and yellow. My face was a complete mess and my nose was slightly crooked where it had been broken. There was a pain emanating from my side that lead me to believe one or even several of my ribs were either cracked or broken.  
I was a wreck but I could still walk, so I walked right out of the locker room into the empty hallway. From there I walked to the parking lot, got in my car and left school. I didn’t care about what the repercussions might be because I wouldn’t be here to face them. I drove home and thankfully found the house empty, my parents were both gone to work by this time. I went straight to the bathroom to the medicine cabinet. I practically ran, not wanting to think about it too much and psych myself out. I just poured a handful of random pills out into my hand and shoved them in my mouth. I took a drink from the faucet to force them down.  
Then everything slowed down and came rushing back to me. What had I just done? It was a mistake. I began to shake. Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked around wondering what I should do next. I needed to do something, I couldn’t just stand here and let myself die. But my mind was not a very logical one at this very moment so I just stood there staring at my wide tear filled eyes in the mirror for a minute or so.  
Then I remembered Tyler. He said I could call him. He would know what to do, he could help me out of this mess. I rushed to my room and looked around my desk for the piece of paper with the phone number on it. I messed up dialing it three times before I got it right. I waited for what seemed to be forever before a voice answered.  
“Columbus Area Crisis Hotline, this is Gerard speaking how can I assist you today?”  
“I need to talk to Tyler, I need his help,” I rushed out.  
“Tyler Joseph? He only works evenings on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Is there anything I can assist you with?”  
“No! I need him, he’s the only one who understands me.” I was growing frantic with worry.  
“I need his help! I took the pills and I don’t know what to do now. I need him please get him for me.” I sobbed.  
“I’m going to send help alright,” Gerard responded his voice steady but concerned.  
I sighed with relief figuring he was getting Tyler for me. “Hey what’s your name, so I can tell Tyler who’s calling?”  
“Josh.”  
“Okay Josh, how about we just chat while we wait for help.”  
I sat down on my bed as a wave of extreme fatigue began to overtake me. “Okay.”  
“What kind of shows to you like to watch on TV?” Gerard asked me.  
My mind seemed fuzzy, it was hard to think of an answer to his question. “Umm I don’t...I don’t think I watch TV that much.”  
“What about Netflix, do you watch anything good on there?”  
“No I don’t watch Netflix I…”  
My thoughts began to trail off. I felt a strange sense of calm as the panic I felt before began to subside as my mind began to drift off. “Josh...hey can you please stay with me, help will be there any minute now. I called the ambulance.”  
“Don’t need an ambulance, I just need Tyler.” My words were slurred. I just wanted to go to sleep. I set down the phone and leaned back on my bed, overwhelmed with fatigue. Everything had gone blurry when suddenly a loud noise from downstairs startled me. Then there was the sound of boots coming up my stairs. Three paramedics burst into my room just in time for me to lose consciousness.


	15. Chapter 15 - We All Have Regrets

I had just gotten back home from class and I was feeling tired having not slept very well the previous night. If I was being honest with myself, all I had wanted the night before was a drink to help me forget so I could sleep better. As much as I wanted to, I held strong and didn’t consume a single drop of alcohol. My year and a half sober was something I was really proud of and it was that thought that kept me from relapsing.  
It was just one bad night but it had me shaken up because the bad night seemed to be more and more often lately. I was feeling so alone despite my friends being there to support me. It had been almost two years since I’d had a date and almost five years since I’d had any sort of a relationship. It was extremely depressing when every time I tried to put myself out there to date I was kicked to the curb like a bag of garbage once they found out my status. I just wanted to be loved like everybody else, but it was seeming more and more unlikely.   
I plopped down on the couch in front of the TV and tried to relax by watching some mindless reality show. I was hoping I would sleep a little during the mind numbing program. I drifted in and out of sleep for about an hour but never really got any rest. I gave up on even trying to sleep and decided to go make something to eat.   
I had just gotten up when my cell phone rang, it was Gerard calling so I answered. “Hey Gee, what’s up?”  
“Ty, thank god you answered. Some kids named Josh I guess called the hotline asking for you. He had taken a bunch of pills so I called the ambulance on him and they GPS tracked his phone. They got to him and he’s at the hospital right now. It was pretty scary he was really fucking out of it when he called.” Gerard spoke in a rush of words, everything falling out in one breath.  
“Whoa what!? Do you know if he’s alright?”  
“No, I kept him on the phone until the paramedics got there but then he was unresponsive.”  
“Okay, I mean as long as the paramedics got to him then he’s probably fine.” I wondered frantically aloud.   
“Who is this kid anyway, he kept insisting on talking to you. He was really freaking out about needing specifically to speak to you and when I said you weren’t here he lost it.”  
“I-I only spoke to him once, he called just a few days ago wanting to kill himself. We talked for almost three hours. I don’t know I really felt a connection to him, we had a lot of similarities.”  
“You must have had an impact because he was adamant about speaking to you.”  
“I wonder if I can go see him?”  
“I don’t know they usually only let family in for this type of thing.”  
“Yeah you’re right and it would be weird if I just showed up, I don’t even know him.”   
“You gonna be alright Ty, I get off my shift soon if you want me to come over. I can bring food if you want.”  
“Nah I’ll be fine man, don’t worry about me,” I told Gerard dismissing his worry.  
I hung up and slumped back down on my couch. I was sort of in disbelief over the whole thing. I didn’t want to believe that the sweet but troubled boy I’d spoken to on the phone had tried to kill himself. He didn’t want to die but something bad must have happened to set him off.   
It was killing me to just sit here doing nothing, I wanted to go to the hospital and see him. It might be completely insane of me, but my sanity had always been questionable so I just accepted it. I jumped up from the couch and and practically ran to the nearest bus stop because the local hospital happened to be all the way across town. The bus ride seemed to take ages, but finally I got off at the stop nearest to the hospital. I had to walk about two blocks and then I was at Columbus General Hospital.   
I walked into the front desk and then I was faced with the realization that I didn’t actually know what his last name was which might be important here. I cursed myself for not thinking this through, and sat down in the waiting room discouraged. I sat there for about ten minutes wishing I knew his last name so maybe they would let me in to see him. I was just about to get up and leave when I overheard a teary eyed woman talking on the phone walk by. …”Joshua yes...I can’t believe it...take his own life...I don’t know.”  
That had to be him. It couldn’t be a coincidence.   
The women took a seat across the room from me and I watched her talk on the phone for a few more minutes before she hung up. As soon as she hung up she broke down crying even harder. I grabbed some tissues from the box beside me and crossed the room to give them to her.   
“Ma'am,” I said gently offering out the tissues. She looked up in surprise but smiled thankfully and took the tissues. I took a seat beside her.   
“Are you alright ma’am, is there anything I can do to help you?”  
“I’ll be alright. It just my son. He...he tried to take his own life.”  
“I’m so sorry, is he alright?”  
“He’s stable, they had to pump his stomach but they say he’ll make a full recovery. I just feel like I saw all the signs, but did nothing to help him. I knew he was in pain and yet I did nothing and I don’t know why.”  
“We all have a lifetime of regrets, don’t let them weigh you down too much. Be thankful that he is alright and be there for him now, in the way you weren’t before.” She nodded thoughtfully absorbing what I had said.   
“This might be a strange question but I have to ask, is your son's name Josh?”  
“Yeah...how did you know that?”  
“I volunteer at a crisis hotline, and he called me once before and he called for me today but I wasn’t there. My friend who works there got his call and then called me to tell me about that had happened. My friend is the one who called the ambulance.”  
A light of understanding shone in her eyes. “Are you Tyler by any chance?”   
I nodded. “My son keeps asking for someone named Tyler, saying that he needs to speak to you. That he needs to apologize,”  
I was baffled that he was asking for me and that he wanted to apologize to me. But maybe she would let me see him.   
“Would you want to come up and see him, it might help calm him. They have to keep giving him medication to calm him down because he keeps getting worked up. But maybe you could help.”  
“I would really like to see him.”  
“Okay come with me,” she grabbed my hand and practically pulled me along with her. I was a little nervous but happy that she was allowing me to see him at all. Finally I would get to put a face to the name.


	16. Chapter 16 - Ignite It

I was ten years old when I first began to notice my attraction to other boys. I was at school playing tag on the playground. I was chasing my friend Chad, trying to tag him and get him out. I was fast, already a soccer player. I easily caught up to him, but I not only tagged him but tackled him to the ground like the rambunctious boy I was. We rolled around, play wrestling and eventually I pinned him to the ground. He was staring up at me wide eyed, his face red and sweaty from the exertion of physical activity. And as I stared down at his toothy grinning face I thought he was pretty.   
It scared me.   
That moment of realization sent a chill down my spine and I jumped off of him and ran away. As if one could just run away from their feelings. If it was that easy I would never have stopped running. It was a quick realization that no matter how far or how fast I ran the feelings wouldn’t go away. It’s not as though I didn’t try. I tried so damn hard.   
I dated many girls in middle school and high school. I think I even loved a few of them, but the love was more friendly than romantic. I thought back to Debby, who I dated for almost a whole year. I did love her, I even had sex with her. We had a great friendship which made it easy to be with her even though there was an obvious lack of physical attraction. In a way I loved her, but most of all I think I loved the idea of her and what she did for me. She helped me fool myself into thinking I was straight or even if I wasn’t that I could fake it. She helped me present to the world the image I most desired.  
I knew I was using her, and I felt a lot of guilt about that. She meant a lot to me, and I confided in her about a lot and she opened up her heart to me. It was painful but my selfishness won out and I stayed with her until the kiss that tore everything apart. And even after that when I was forced to confess myself to her she was nothing but kind. Even though it hurt her so badly, she was not unkind to me. She went out of her way to stand up for me and clear up some nasty rumors that began going around. She truly had a heart of gold, a heart that I would love forever. 

******

When I found myself bleeding on the floor I felt something snap within me. Months of outward abuse and inner turmoil broke me and I lost every ounce of desire to live. In the back of my mind I knew there were things to live for, a future in which things would be better. But I didn’t want to have to go through the shit to get there. I decided then that I was going to die. Fuck everything else.   
It was as if I wasn’t in control of my body or any of my actions. I was captive in my mind as I went home to a bottle of pills. I think it was only when I stood in front of the bathroom mirror after having swallowed them that I regained some control. My mind was racing with panic, panic and absolute regret. And one name.   
The one name of the person I knew who could help me. Then my mind became a singular track, repeating the name of who I needed to talk to. The one person who could save me from this situation I was in. My savior. I needed to speak to him, to tell him what I’d done. First I needed to apologize for breaking my promise. Then I needed to ask him what I should do, how could I get out of this mess I was in?  
Tyler.   
I need Tyler.   
His was the only name on my mind. Even as I drifted out of consciousness I was thinking of the stranger I’d spoken to on the phone. The person who told me his whole life story and showed me compassion. He showed me compassion and treated me like a normal human being. He held no pity for me, his empathy was visceral and pure. It was forced or coercive. He wasn’t just speaking words from a script. His words were honest and his intentions good. It was something I’d never really experienced before. That was why I felt a connection to him.   
It was to my complete shock when I woke up and found myself not dead, but in a hospital. I was shocked but also really relieved, those pills had been a mistake and I knew it now. It was a fucking hard way to learn that lesson but I think I finally understood it then laying hooked up to an IV under fluorescent light with my mother sobbing beside me. If I ever needed a wake up call to my existence then this was it.   
I still felt on edge though, I didn’t really feel like myself. Something was off in my mind, and it was unnerving. I went into a panic attack and they had to sedate me. Then when I woke up I had another panic attack. I had been through an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of months and finally the coaster was slowing down, but it was a lot for me to process. My brain was having a hard time coping with all the events. It resulted in a lot of panic and anxiety.   
Tyler was still on my mind. I kept asking about him, asking to see him. It confused the nurses and my mom because they didn’t know who he was. When they asked me who I was talking about I had no response for them. They might have thought I was delusional. I probably scared them a bit. To be honest I was scaring myself because I felt a distinct lack of control. That’s never a good feeling.   
I was beyond surprised when my mom came into the room followed by a stranger I’d never met before. I just stared at him for a moment wondering who he was and why he was here in my room. My mom spoke up and introduced him. His name was Tyler. He was the Tyler. My mom excused herself from the room and I was left to stare at this not really but sort of stranger. This person who knew my most intimate thoughts and feelings.   
“You’re Tyler from the phone?” I asked quietly as I met his eyes from where I stood across the room. They were beautiful hazel eyes, that were easy to get lost in. I almost did.   
He nodded shyly. “Yeah that’s me.”  
I was on some pain medication which is what I blame for the next things I said. But maybe it was totally the medications fault, it was my own fault for being super gay.   
“Wow you’re really cute.”  
He blushed at my words and let out a small giggle. I couldn’t help but laugh. I felt a moment of joy standing here with this not really but sort of stranger. It was the first moment when I felt things were going to be alright. One small moment reignited a flame within me and I knew I wanted to live.


	17. Chapter 17 - The Seriousness of Cute

I first began therapy when I entered rehab. I immediately hated it, and my therapist with a burning passion. How dare this man sit across from me and analyze my life as though it were any of his business. I wanted to get better but I didn’t understand how necessary therapy would be in that process. I was quite rude to Dr. Stump in the beginning. I swore at him, called him names, and most of the time simply refused to talk.   
The thought of being vulnerable and expressing all the emotions I had bottled up inside of me was terrifying. The thought scared me horrifically. My whole life I had been taught that crying was bad, expressing any sad or upset emotions was weak and ‘girly’. I shouldn’t be such a fag. As I sat in therapy the first few weeks my father’s voice was still in my head. I was extremely defensive about it, I didn’t want to talk about my childhood. My reaction was to be a total dick to the person who was trying to help me.   
My first thoughts about Dr. Stump when I saw him were that he was a douche bag. Who the fuck wore a fedora in real life completely unironically? He did. He was a short, slightly plump, red-headed man. He smiled all the time and it annoyed me so much. He was relentlessly positive and in the beginning it just made me want to smack him across the face to get an angry reaction from him.   
He was patient with me and weathered every insult I threw his way with grace. He never looked taken aback by my words, everything rolled off of him like it was nothing. He talked to me a lot, told me about himself. And eventually I cracked. Eventually the dam broke inside of me and I talked. I talked and told him everything. Every hardship, the reason behind every tear. It was the best thing that had ever happened to me.   
He stood by me through every up and down and stood up for me on many occasions. Whenever someone doubted me or the many times I doubted myself he was there with that annoying smile and just the advice I needed. I knew I wouldn’t be here today without the man. It was because of him I decided I wanted to help people in the same way.   
Of course when I told him my plans he had a good laugh. I couldn’t fault him for that and I laughed along with him fully aware of the way I behaved when I first began seeing him. He had a few words for me and they were wise as always, “ I hope you can take with you into this profession a sense of reckless optimism. You will deal with some hard asses, just don’t give up on them. No one is beyond help.”  
I could only smile and nod my head at his words.   
******  
In my mind I had constructed an image of what Josh looked like. Of course having only heard his voice, the image in my head was entirely subjective. When I walked into his hospital room and saw his face for the first time he was nothing at all like I thought. He was much different and much better in every single way. The main reasons being that he was real, he was alive, and he was right in front of me. I could finally speak to him face to face.   
Speaking to him face to face wasn’t something I had actually fully thought through. So when I found myself staring into his deep brown eyes I was at a loss for what to say. I felt compelled to speak first but I had no idea how to begin. He was essentially a stranger to me. But he was a stranger who knew some intimate things about me and I knew a lot about him. It was so surreal to be standing there.   
I must have taken to long to speak, because he spoke up first.   
“You’re Tyler from the phone?” He asked, his voice low and gravelly sounding. Our eyes locked and I felt as though I were staring into his soul. He looked so vulnerable and scared laying on a hospital bed hooked to an IV. I wanted to help make him feel more at ease.   
I nodded feeling a little shy. “Yeah that’s me.” I immediately felt stupid for not saying more. Instead we were just staring at each other. I could feel his eyes intensely on me. But it wasn’t uncomfortable. His gaze was soft and understanding if not also tired with a hint of sadness hidden within.   
He spoke again and his words really threw me for a loop,“Wow you’re really cute.”  
I immediately felt a rush of heat spill across my face, blushing at his words. A small nervous giggle escaped my lips before I could control myself. Then he began laughing and it was only a short moment before I joined him. The laughter was an icebreaker. All the awkwardness and built up tension in the room broke and suddenly there was a freeness about the room.   
“Just to be clear, is that the pain medication speaking or you?” I asked when I recovered from laughing.   
“Well they do have me on some strong stuff, but I also have two eyes and perfect vision so I’m pretty sure that’s all me.”  
I grinned as I walked over and sat in the chair beside his bed. “Do you flirt with every stranger that walks in the room?”  
“Oh yeah of course. I’m a total whore.”  
“Well I’m not one to judge, live your life bro. But I kinda felt special there for a moment.”  
“Oh well I don’t want you to think you’re not special to me. I don’t call everyone cute. Cute is not a term I just throw around. That word is serious.”  
I nodded solemnly. “It is a very serious word. Now I feel special again.”  
He smiled at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. That smile was something I wanted to see more of, by any means possible.


	18. Chapter 18 - Looking Up

Josh's P.O.V. 

Having tried to loosen the grip of life and expecting to plummet into the abyss of darkness is one thing. But then to wake up and find yourself still held firmly within that grip is a startling thing. The brightness of the world is suddenly blinding and frankly off putting. Inside, a concoction of emotions swirl around and boil in a cauldron threatening to boil over at any moment. One doesn’t know what to think or how to feel. So many emotions are felt at once. It’s overwhelming and terrifying.   
When my eyes opened and I found myself faced with the fluorescent lights of the hospital my mind kicked into overdrive and I panicked. A panic attack is when emotions run so wild that they physically manifest in some way or another. I cried uncontrollably and shook violently. A nurse had to come in a sedate me so I wouldn’t pull out an IV. I had another panic attack when I woke up from the first one. A kind elderly nurse held my hand and talked me through it.   
Afterwords I felt on edge but I was able to remain outwardly calm. I tried my best to push every intrusive bad thought out of my head for the time being, the last thing I wanted was to be sedated again. There was a lot of blank spot in my memory, I could only recall some of the events that lead me here. My time in the hospital was spotty but I supposed that was probably for the best anyway.   
It all blended together in my mind. The psych evaluations and awkward conversation with therapists, doctors, and nurses. Once people knew why I was in here they acted so strange. They seemed to walk on eggshells around me, like they were afraid saying the wrong thing might send me off the edge again.   
Then there was my family. My brother never came to see me. My father came to see me one time, and I had a sinking feeling that it was mainly to submit the insurance information. My mom was the only one who came to see me everyday. She brought me food, and sat by my side. I could tell she felt guilty and it was mildly uncomfortable. The whole situation was uncomfortable.   
The only time I felt comfortable was when Tyler came to visit. He came to see me every one of the three days I was in the hospital. We talked about everything and nothing. It was the most incredible feeling in the world to connect with someone after months of almost total social isolation. He was so easy to talk to, all the walls I had built up over the previous months seemed to crumble around him. It also didn’t hurt that he was insanely cute.   
******  
When I arrived home from the hospital my brother was nowhere to be seen but I wasn’t too upset by that. I was busy texting with Tyler and I settled into the living room couch to talk to him for a while. My mom kept hovering around me, like she was afraid to leave me alone. In a way it was touching to know that she cared, but I really just wanted to be treated normally. But I guess normal wasn’t what you could call my life anymore.   
I knew my mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and my dad was still at work for another hour. So when I heard the front door slam shut I knew that it had to be my brother coming home from practice. I tensed up and eyed the doorway apprehensively. He passed by the doorway and didn’t seem to pay me any mind. I figured he wasn’t going to even acknowledge me, but then he backtracked and swung back into the living room.   
“You’re back?” He asked, his voice almost timid.   
“Yup.” I answered matter of factually.   
It all happened so fast. I didn’t even realize what he was doing until his arms were wrapped around me in a hug. He had pulled me up from the couch and pulled me into a hug. It was completely unexpected and the one thing I needed most in the world at that moment. I needed my brother and my best friend back in my life.   
“I’m so happy you’re still here Josh. I don’t know I how I would have lived with myself if you hadn’t made it. I am so sorry for what I said, I was so incredibly selfish and mislead. You know I love you brother. I hope you can forgive me.”  
“It’s all water under the bridge Jordan. I love you little bro.”  
“Dude I’m going to be here for you now. I was so fucking stupid before. You can talk to me about any shit that you want, I just want you to stay alive and be a part of my life.”  
“Don’t worry bro. I am alive and I don’t plan on dying anytime soon.”  
“I’m happy about that brother.” He finally let go of me, and we looked at each other. “I’m gonna go shower because I stink from practice, but after I’ll come back down and we will talk.”  
I nodded feeling excited to get reacquainted with my brother. I sat back down and stared at my phone, I had a new text from Tyler. He wanted us to meet for coffee tomorrow. I smiled uncontrollably for the rest of the night after I texted him back that I would love to. I had my brother back and a coffee date tomorrow. Things were looking up a little. Finally.


	19. Chapter 19 - Heart of Gold

“I feel as though I have this intense connection with him. I’ve never experienced it before with anyone else. There’s no pretense with him, from the moment I met him in the hospital he’s been genuine. He’s just easy to talk to.” I paused for a moment after trying to explain to my therapist Patrick my new friendship with Josh.   
“Do you think you feel a connection to him because of his suicide attempt and you can understand why he did what he did, having been in that situation before?”  
“Yeah I mean that’s one part of it. But there’s definitely way more than that. When I visited him a few times in the hospital we didn’t even discuss why he was there. We just talked about random things and joked around. I mean I wanted to take his mind off of his hardships but there was more to it. It felt deeper to me. Do you think I’m reading too much into this or putting too many expectations on him?”  
“I think you need to do what’s best for yourself but also take him and his mental state into account. You understand that he’s probably very fragile right now, so if you do want to continue a friendship with him be mindful of how he’s feeling about it.”  
I nodded agreeing with everything that Patrick told me. I knew that I wanted to continue seeing Josh and build a friendship with him. But would he even still want that? I knew he was getting out of the hospital today so I wouldn’t be able to go there and visit him. That meant that if I wanted to see him again we would have to meet somewhere. Maybe things would feel different. Whether that was for the worse or the better was yet to be determined.   
“Yeah I definitely want what’s best for him. I think I could be a good support for him. I understand how he feels and I know he doesn’t really have anyone.”  
“I don’t doubt that you would be a good friend to him and could be a good support for him through this time. But you need to remember that you are still in recovery yourself, you are still working through your own stuff. I would worry that you would prioritize him over yourself. And we’ve made so much progress over these years and it would disappoint me greatly to see any regression.”   
“I can promise you I’m not going to put my own mental health at risk. I think it would actually help me. I only really have two friends; Ashley and Gerard. It would be nice to have another person in my life.”  
“You make a good point. So you said he’s out of the hospital now. Are you going to meet up with him again?”  
“Yeah actually I was going to text him and invite him out for coffee. Do you think that’s a good idea?”  
Dr. Stump thought for a moment and nodded his head slowly. “Yes I think that’s a good idea. You know our time is up but when you come back on Wednesday we will continue to discuss this.”  
“Sounds great to me,” I said as I stood up from the comfy couch that sat directly across from Patrick’s chair. “I’ll see you then.”  
“Good luck with Josh.”  
I let out a small laugh. “Thanks, I’ll probably need it.”  
“I have full faith in you Tyler, you got this bro.”  
“Sure I do,” I said feeling a little bit unsure about it. I mean he had to agree to meet me first.   
******  
When Josh agreed to meet me the next day for coffee I was beyond ecstatic and Ashley kept making fun of me for it. She was over at my apartment with me and we were just hanging around while she waited for Hayley to get done with work so they could go out. When she found out I was texting with him she wanted to know everything. And I made the mistake of telling her everything.   
She jumped to her own conclusions. “Oh my Goddess he totally likes you. He fucking called you cute. I’m already brainstorming couple names. Oh I’m so excited for you.”  
“Ashley calm your tits, it’s not like that at all. He was just joking when he said that and he was high on painkillers so it most definitely meant nothing.”  
“But I mean if he did mean it, do you feel anything towards him?”  
Immediately I wanted to deny it and so I shook my head no. He was only seventeen years old and he was still in high school so in a way it felt a little wrong. But my blush gave me away and sent Ashley into an excited frenzy. “You totally like him!”  
“I think he’s cute yes. But I mean he’s only seventeen and he’s still in high school. I’d feel like a cradle robber.”  
“You’re only twenty two for goodness sake. It’s only five year’s difference, sometimes only four years depending on when your birthday falls. I think there was like six years between my parents. He is of legal age so I don’t think you should let age stop you. Get this through your head TyJo. You are an amazing human who is deserving of love. If this is a chance for that then you need to take it.”  
“I just don’t want to rush anything with him. He’s in a fragile state right now. We’ve both been in his shoes. I don’t want to take advantage of him. I think it’s best to just focus on friendship right now.”  
“That’s a good way to start a relationship. Just see where it goes and keep an open mind. You’re one of the most sweet and kind people I know and I just want to see you happy. I know you’ve been a bit down lately because of your lack of a love life. He could be really good for you. I think from the sounds of it you could be really good for each other.”  
“I hope so. I want to be there for him.”  
“I love your heart of gold TyJo and I’m sure he will too. You’re kind of irresistible. If I weren’t into chicks and didn’t have my Hayley and you weren’t as queer as a three dollar bill then you’d be the guy for me. “  
This made me laugh my ass off. “Ash you sure know how to make me feel better.”  
“Of course I do, I’m fucking amazing.”  
“Amazing you are Ash, you don’t even know the half of it.”


	20. Chapter 20 - The Smile of an Idiot

Josh's P.O.V.

My first day back to school after which I was referring to as the incident was alright. My brother was back in my life and so I rode to school with him and it was nice. I knew he would try and hang out with me more at school, but I also knew that it would be social suicide for him. So I went out of my way to avoid him, for his own sake.  
Debby was around and kept texting me all day, asking how I was and insisting that I come and sit with her at lunch. But she sat with all of her friends and I didn’t want to make any of them uncomfortable with my presence. So I ate lunch in the bathroom and skipped gym all together. There were a lot of people I wanted to avoid. It wasn’t all bad though.  
Tyler texted me all day, he only had one class that day so he was free. Being holed up in the bathroom stall to eat a packed lunch wasn’t so bad when I had someone to text. Someone to text who made me smile and laugh. He made the whole situation a lot more bearable. That and knowing that I would see him in just a few hours for coffee.  
I still didn’t quite know what to call it. A meeting? That seemed too formal. A date? That seemed too presumptuous. I settled on a hangout. Because we were just getting together for coffee and some conversation. It was just two friends hanging out. There were no pretenses.  
But I couldn’t help the small feeling of desire I felt within. Desire for it to be something a bit more formal than just a friendly hangout. Maybe I did want it to be a date. I really really liked him, it hadn’t just been the painkillers talking. He was adorable. Absolutely fucking adorable and I was at a bit of a loss for what to do.  
A part of me still felt a lot of trepidation about being gay. Having these feelings for another boy made it real. There was still a lot of shame surrounding these feelings. I only had to think of my father and to some extent my brother. I had forgiven him but the words were still echoing in mind. It was slightly easier to shove the words down now, but they were still there resonating around.  
And there was the fact that Tyler was a few years older than me. He was a college student and I was just a high school senior with subpar grades who might flunk out. He probably wanted someone more mature and intelligent than me. It was understandable to my mind. But it was still a difficult thing for my heart to process. Every Time I spoke to him, I fell a little further for him. I was screwed, and not in the good way.  
My heart beat with excitement just at the thought I seeing him in less than two hours.  
******  
My brother dropped me off at the coffee shop after school. I could tell he was curious about who I was meeting but he didn’t pry which I was grateful for. I wasn’t quite ready to talk to him about this kind of stuff yet. I would need more time before our relationship was fully repaired and he knew that.  
I walked into the shop and saw Tyler waiting at a small table in the back. When he saw me he got up and came forward to meet me. He surprised me completely by wrapping me in a hug that ended much too soon for my liking. “Hey you made it!” Tyler exclaimed excitedly as he greeted me.  
“Yeah sorry I’m a few minutes late.”  
“No problem my friend. I’ve just been people watching, it’s surprising the number of people who pick their nose in public.”  
I laughed. “So you haven’t ordered coffee yet?”  
“No I was waiting for you. Now that you’re here the party can begin.” He turned to read the menu just as he said that so he didn’t see the way I blushed with happiness. Maybe that was for the best. I turned to look at the menu myself although I already knew what I was going to order. I always got the same thing. Tyler ordered first and he asked for the exact same thing that I wanted.  
The barista looked over at me for my order. “I’ll take the same thing.” He nodded and then went to work making our order.  
“Copycat,” Tyler said teasing me.  
“Hey I’m not copying you. That’s what I always get, I’m a caffeine junkie.”  
“Haha that make two of us.”  
We waited for our orders and then Tyler suggested that we walk down the street to the park. I was happy to oblige and so we made our way slowly to the park, talking about stupid shit as we sipped our coffee. When we made it to the park we sat on the steps of the big white gazebo that was the main fixture of the park.  
We faced out over the river which was scattered with a bunch of tiny islands. Across the way from the park, in the distance on the other bank was a cemetery. The same cemetery that my grandfather was buried in. It was a very beautiful cemetery, with some graves dating back to the civil war.  
I was lost in my own thoughts for a moment before Tyler pulled me out of them by asking me a question. “How are you feeling?”  
I smiled somewhat ruefully. “Oh you know...a lot of things. Confusion, regret, still some sadness that I can’t quite shake.”  
He reached over and placed his hand on mine. We were facing each other and his the sincerity of his gaze began to make me emotional. “Those are all completely normal things to be feeling. You went through something pretty traumatic. It will take some time to process. The point is you are not alone anymore. I’m here for you now, whenever you need.”  
I began to cry, not from sadness but because I felt so happy. I felt like I didn’t deserve someone like him in my life. It seemed like he came out of nowhere just when I needed him. It was like he had been sent for me. Like he had been sent to save me.  
He took me in his arms and held me while I cried. I probably should have felt slightly embarrassed to be crying in the arms of my new friend, but I didn’t. I felt comfortable and his embrace was calming. I felt like maybe everything, all the uncertainties of life were going to be alright. I would be alright.  
Once all my tears had dried I left his warm embrace and suddenly I felt kind of cold without the presence of his warmth. His smile for me was warm. “You gonna be alright?”  
“Yeah I know I will be.”  
I didn’t even think about what I was doing. But suddenly I found myself kissing his cheek. I backed away as soon as I realized what I was doing worried that he would be mad. Images of Jack’s reaction flashed in my mind and for a second I felt nothing but terror. But nothing bad happened. In fact a really good thing happened. Tyler’s face lit up into a big grin and he leaned in a kissed me on the cheek.  
He stood up from the steps of the gazebo with his coffee in one hand. He offered out his other hand to me and I grabbed a hold of him and he helped me up. I expected him to let go of my hand once I was standing but he didn’t. Our hands remained in each other’s as we made our way back towards the coffee shop. I grinned like an idiot the whole way.


	21. Chapter 21 - I Got This

Tyler's P.O.V.

Love was something that was a bit of a mystery to me. When I thought of love it was clinical, almost cold. Love, in my mind was something fictional. It was something that brought two teenagers together in a sappy John Green book. It wasn’t something I knew for myself. I only knew about it through the narratives of others. But it was something I desired so much.   
Growing up I didn’t see many examples of what good love was. I saw my parents relationship which was in most regards a business partnership. The business of being a family, of which my father was the unrelenting boss. My mother, my brother, and I were employees, expected to be obedient and efficient. There wasn’t much love to be gained from my father, I don’t think he knew what it was himself.   
My mom loved my brother and I with her whole heart, that was plain to see. She was always there for us, a comforting presence in what could often be a stormy environment. But her love was often times overshadowed by my father’s sternness. I don’t know what emotion held my parent’s relationship together, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was any emotion at all.   
I didn’t know of any love during my time on the streets. Out of all the men I slept with there was no love. For some regulars there might have been some sort of affection. But at the end of the night they handed me money and then left. There was no love.   
After rehab I was desperate to find love somewhere, to find the romantic love that the great poets wrote about. The kind that made one feel alive as though never before. Without the drugs and alcohol I had a void within me that I foolishly thought the love of someone might fill. But no one wanted me. It made me feel as though love perhaps was not something that would happen for me, not romantic love at least.  
I had my few friends that I loved with all of my heart, and my mother. But it just wasn’t the same. I gave up after being rejected so many times on ever finding the great love of poets. I lied to myself and said I was content with being alone. I was content with just the platonic love of my friends. Perhaps this was some sort of divine retribution for my past trespasses? It wasn’t something I allowed myself to entertain.   
******  
Gerard and Ashley were waiting out in the living room while I tried on an outfit. Josh and I were going out for dinner tonight. It had been two weeks since we first went for coffee and it had become our ritual to go after Josh got out of school. He would meet me there and we would get our drinks and then walk to the park.   
Always holding hands.   
Despite our somewhat blatant affection I had been nervous about asking him out to dinner. Why was I worried that he would say no when we walked through the park hand in hand. When we always gave each other a kiss on the cheek before parting ways. It seemed pretty obvious but I could be a bit vapid sometimes.   
I brought it up casually and he replied with a yes right away. Both of smiled and didn’t say a word. It was unspoken that this was going to be our official first date. I wanted everything to be perfect but I didn’t want it to be too serious. Dinner at a nice, but not too fancy Italian restaurant and then we would see where the night lead us.   
But meanwhile I was throwing every article of clothing out of my closet looking for something suitable to wear for a nice but not too serious date. I was mostly and skinny jean and graphic tee kind of guy but that didn’t seem special enough for a date with Josh. I had a few nicer button up shirts but I was unsure which one I should wear. Where stripes okay? Did they make me look fat?  
“Ashley, Gee! I need your help.” I called out to my best friends for fashion advice. They came sauntering into my room and I wondered what I was doing. Was I asking my emo goth friend and my weeaboo friend for fashion advice? Yes I was, but I had conflicting feelings about it.   
I held up two of my nicer button shirts up for them to see. “Which one do you guys think I should wear? I’m kind of at a loss.”  
Ashley immediately took control of the situation. “The grey one with the black pocket. Wear it with a pair of black skinny jeans, the nice ones with no holes cause you’re a classy bitch. Wear your black converse sneakers, the newer pair with less mud on them. Cause you’re a classy but casual bitch. You’ll look amazing and Josh won’t be able to keep his hands off of you. Don’t you agree Gee?”  
“Yup.”  
“See Gerard agrees with me. I’m a fucking fashionista motherfucker. Now we’ll leave you alone to get dressed.”  
And with that the tornado that was Ashley grabbed Gerard by the arm and yanked him out of the room after her. I just shrugged my shoulders and got dressed in what she told me to. I had no objections and the classy but casual bitch looked seemed just as good if not better than anything I would pick myself.   
Once I was dressed and content, though not completely satisfied with my hair I went out to show my friends. I walked into my living room as though I were walking a catwalk and did a few poses for them. “What do you guys think?”  
“You’re sex on a stick,” Ashley called out to me making me blush just a little bit. Gerard just laughed.   
“I’m a little nervous, I don’t want to expect too much out of tonight but I sort of do in a way. I don’t know if I make any sense.” I fretted.  
Ashley jumped from the couch and grabbed my hand as she stood in front of me. “Tyler my dear precious bean pole of a friend. Don’t overthink anything tonight. Just go in with an open mind and see what happens. You got this.”  
“I got this,” I said my voice not sounding so sure.  
“Yes you’ve got this.”  
I’ve got this I told myself one last time before I walked out the door waving goodbye to my two best friends. Tonight was going to be a good night.


	22. Chapter 22 - Cheers for Queers

Josh's P.O.V.

I had never been so excited about a date before. When I dated girls it was always with an underlying motive. That motive being to try and prove to myself that I was straight. I was never excited about a date, it was always an evening of anxiety and worry that I would be forced to admit my true sexuality to myself.   
It wasn’t until I began to date Debbie that dating became a bit more fun. I genuinely liked her as a person and enjoyed spending time with her. It was because of our friendship that I was able to delude myself for so long. It wasn’t love I was feeling for her, but it was a deep affection. It just wasn’t enough. When I realized this the feelings about our ‘dates’ changed.  
I felt a lot of guilt for stringing her along. At this point there was no denying who I was even though I continued to stifle my feelings. No matter how hard I tried the feelings remained and more than ever I wanted to hang onto my girlfriend and the charade she helped me keep up. But it was unfair to her, it was cruel for me to pretend when her feelings were real.   
I began to try and distance myself from her. Not because I wanted to, not really. But because I knew what I was doing was wrong and that sooner than later I needed to break up with her. I didn’t want to hurt her. That was my intent from the beginning. Unfortunately the incident with Jack happened before I could work up the courage to officially break up with her and so I caused her a lot more pain than I ever meant to.   
******  
I stood alone in front of the mirror in my room and stared at the outfit I had chosen. I had no idea what to wear for this date. I had been on many dates before and never thought twice about what I wore, it was always just jeans and a shirt. But this was the first date that felt serious because I was so into this person--this guy. It was my first date with another man and the thought was enough to make me shiver with a mixture of excitement and nervousness.   
I turned to the side and tried to get another perspective on my outfit. Were converse sneakers too casual to wear with a dress shirt? They would have to do because my dress shoes didn’t fit anymore. Did my blue shirt make me look fat? Was a skinny black tie to formal? Why couldn’t I be the type of gay guy who knew how to dress well? I ran my fingers through my hair one last time and turned away from the mirror not wanting to fuss over my appearance any longer.   
The drive to the restaurant was only about ten minutes but it felt longer. As I neared the restaurant my nerves began to creep up on me and I was beginning to doubt this whole thing. Tyler was too good for me. He didn’t really like me. This was probably a pity date for the sad suicidal kid. I found myself sitting in the parking lot staring at the door of the restaurant with a look of panic on my face. I gripped the steering wheel tight and tried to calm myself down by breathing in and out slowly.   
When I saw Tyler get out of his car and walk towards the door my nerves calmed somewhat. He was waiting outside for me, and I didn’t want him to have to wait too long. So I pried my own fingers off the steering wheel and wiped my sweaty palms on my pants before getting out of the car.   
When he saw me, his face lit up with a wide smile and I thought I was going to melt inside. He was so fucking adorable. My heart began soaring and all my worries melted away. He reached out and pulled me into a hug when I finally reached him. His voice was in my ear. “Wow Josh, you look absolutely amazing tonight.” I was grateful my face was tucked into his shoulder so he couldn’t see me blush.   
“Thanks,” I responded feeling a bit shy and a lot awkward. “You look incredible also as well, uh yeah you look really really good.” I knew I sounded like a rambling idiot. “Sorry I’ll shut up now.”  
He pulled away from me but his hands remained around my waist as he stared me in the eyes. He was smiling brighter than the sun and I was overtaken by the vastness of his light, the light that emanated from him. “You never have to shut up, you can tell me how good I look all night if it makes you happy. But of course you are under no obligation to do so.”  
I blushed again, this time for him to see. I responded with sarcasm, “I wouldn’t want to fuel such an egomaniac.”  
“It’s probably for the best. Come on,” he said as he grabbed my hand. “Our reservation is waiting, and we don’t want to lose it.”  
He dragged me into the restaurant by the hand and only let go of my hand when we made it to the maitre d. “Reservation for Joseph.”  
With that we were lead to a cozy little booth in the corner that offered quite a bit of privacy. Once we were finally settled in and our orders had been taken we finally got a chance to talk.  
“Thank you for being brave enough to ask me out. I really wanted to go out with you but I was too scared to ask.”  
“I was a little afraid, but you and your beautiful smile were enough to help me overcome it. It’s been a really long time since I’ve gone on a date. I was a little nervous but luckily I had my two best friends Ashley and Gerard to help me.”  
“I’ve only ever gone on dates with girls, so this is all really new for me.”  
“We should cheers to your first gay date,” Tyler said holding up his glass of coke. I laughed and held mine up to clink against his. “Cheers for the queers.”  
Giggling I repeated him, “Cheers for the queers.”  
I never wanted this date to end.


	23. Chapter 23 - Purity

Tyler's P.O.V.

I had my first kiss when I was fourteen years old. It was with my friend Andy. It was innocent exploration for both of us, maybe more innocent for him. I knew for sure that I was gay at that point and perhaps I jumped a bit too eagerly at his curiosity, but who could blame me.   
The feeling of someone’s lips on my own was absolutely transcendent and it was then that I decided that kissing was the best thing ever. Of course this was before I discovered there was even more to do. Andy and I escaped whenever we could to make out, and explore these feelings we were both having. I would have liked more from him, to make it something more official but he was against it.   
When I began pushing to hard for a relationship he said he didn’t want to kiss me anymore. He said he wasn’t gay and he wanted to date a girl in our grade. Unbeknownst to him he broke my heart. It had only lasted a few months but for me it was my first taste of what love could be, even though it was far from love--just pure lust.  
I was kissing someone when my dad walked in on us. It was because I was kissing another boy that I got kicked out of my home and my entire life fell apart. After that kissing and the sex I was eventually forced to rely on to live was a lot less enjoyable. It was a business transaction devoid of any meaningful feeling.   
In those dark times I would reflect back on the innocence of my first kiss and what it meant to me. Back then I thought of it partly as the exact moment when I opened pandora’s box and released the demons that would torment me for years. But mostly I remembered the emotions I felt during that kiss. The hint of nervousness but the overwhelming feeling of excitement that bubbled inside of me. The lust that I was feeling for the first time just as I was discovering who I was. It was pure.   
I was searching for another kiss that was just as pure as that first one.   
******  
Once dinner was eaten and the bill was paid we got up to leave. I felt a twinge of sadness the our date was already coming to a close. It had been amazing, Josh was amazing. I really didn’t want it to end so soon, so I made a suggestion.   
“I don’t want to impose, but perhaps you’re feeling the same way. I don’t really want to end this night already, would you like to walk down to the park? I’m sure there’s no one at our gazebo.”   
Josh nodded his head in agreement. “Yeah and if there is anyone at our gazebo we’ll kick their butts.”   
I laughed, “Yeah they’ll be so intimidated by us they’ll leave right away.”  
“Oh yeah there’s nothing as scary as two scrawny white boys.”  
“Exactly.”  
We walked the short distance to the park and found that our gazebo was unoccupied so we didn’t have to scare anyone away which was for the best. We had sat on these very steps many times before but never at night. The stars were shining in the sky above and the crescent moon was reflected in the lake. It was a beautiful view but my eyes were enraptured by the person beside me.   
In the moonlight Josh’s eyes had a new depth that was invisible during the day. As he stared out at the moon on the lake, I stared at him. I knew in my heart that I was falling hard for him and my emotions regarding that thought were a tumultuous mixture of terror and pure exhilaration.   
I knew falling hard for someone could lead to even worse heartbreak if it didn’t work out. I knew that pain. But the person beside me wasn’t just anyone. He was someone I considered a friend, someone I had an emotional connection with. There was already a basis to our relationship, whatever that may be. I tried my best to remember Ashley’s words of wisdom.   
“What are you thinking,” I asked taking notice of his pensive look.   
He turned to face me with a joking smile on his face. “Oh you know just pondering the meaning of life and the purpose of our existence here on Earth. Nothing that important.”  
“Nothing important at all,” I replied quietly. I moved my body so that I was facing towards Josh and I reached out and took his hands in my own.  
“Have you had a good time tonight?” I asked my own curiosity and self doubt forcing me to beg the question.  
He paused for just a moment before he spoke. “This has been the best night of my life. I’ve felt so free the entire time. Free of all the bad thoughts that so often creep into my mind. Free of the self hatred I sometimes still feel about who I am. I’ve felt so light the whole time and it’s because of you. You take away gravity for me.”   
His eyes were staring into mine with such vulnerability. All of his barriers were down and I swore I could see right into his soul, into the core of who he was. And I was in love with what I saw, just as I knew I was in love with him. There was only one thing I wanted to do in that moment.   
“Can I kiss you?”  
“Yes.”  
His lips were smooth and warm against my own. His essence surrounded me and I was completely entranced by the sensation. I was enamored by the sense of closeness, the warmth. The kiss lasted only a few seconds, but it felt much longer. When we broke apart I could think of only one thing to say. “You deserve to soar like an eagle.”  
My thought in that moment was that I had finally found what I had long sought.   
Purity.


	24. Chapter 24 - Father (Daddy Issues)

Josh's P.O.V.

There was a time when my dad was my biggest fan. He could be heard over all the other parents on the sideline, cheering for me as I ran across the soccer field. When I was younger I found it a little embarrassing because he was so loud. But it grew on me and I loved the fact that I made him proud by following in his footsteps and playing the same sport that he had in high school.   
When I scored a goal he could be heard from the sideline yelling, “that’s my boy!” with a glowing look of pride on his face. When I made it back to the sideline he would hand me my water bottle and pat my shoulder. It was a small thing but it meant the world to me. All I wanted in life was to make him proud.   
I failed at that.   
I remember the night my father found out about me. He had heard it from one of his friends at church who happened to have a son in the grade below me. Jeremiah had heard the news of me at school, told his father, who then in turn told my father. Unfortunately news spreads fast in a small town.  
I was already rather distraught and resigned from all that I had been through that day at school. I had come home and locked myself away in my bedroom wishing the world away. When I heard my father call me down to the dining room I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I knew he knew and it took every ounce of willpower to force myself downstairs to face him.   
My father stood leaning against the counter staring intently at the doorway, waiting for me. My mother sat at the head of the dining room table staring down at the floor and nervously picking at a washcloth she held in her hand.  
“Have a seat Joshua,” my father ordered.  
I sat across the table from my mom at the other end. I didn’t make eye contact with my father until I was sitting down. When I looked up into his eyes I saw disappointment. The disappointment I saw in his eyes felt like a stab in my heart. I felt as though I couldn’t breath because I knew it was all over. In my father’s eyes I was a lost cause. I was not a son he could be proud of any longer.   
He never yelled at me that night. He only spoke of his disappointment in me. How he was disappointed that I fell into such sin and that I had brought shame onto the not just the family but the whole church. He told me that I needed to stop being so selfish and think of others.   
When he asked me if I was willing to go to therapy to fix my “problem”, I said yes. I agreed to conversion therapy because I didn’t want to disappoint my father. I didn’t want him to be ashamed of me. So although I knew in my heart that it was futile I put myself through even more pain because I loved my father.   
*******  
The day after my date with Tyler I was flying on cloud nine, feeling happier than I could remember in a hell of long time. Kissing him was something I could definitely get used to, the taste of him and the feel of his lips on mine. I was completely lovestruck and sent way too many heart emojis with every text I sent him. But he sent just as many back so I assumed it was okay with him.   
The only thing that brought me down a little was thought of therapy. It wasn’t because I didn’t like my new therapist. Dr. Wentz was nice enough and compared to my last shrink he was actually somewhat helpful. He actually make me feel a little better rather than a lot worse But I didn’t want to ruin my good mood by hashing up my past.   
My mom drove me to appointment, she always sat in the waiting room reading tabloids while I was in my session. I would have rather gone by myself but surprisingly people tended to be mistrustful of those who tried to kill themselves. So I was forced to endure somewhat uncomfortable car rides with my mom where we didn’t explicitly discuss where I was going or why.   
Dr. Wentz was in his late thirties but seemed to try really hard to appear younger than he was. That was kind of awkward but he had a likeable and easy going attitude that made up for it.   
“How’s it going today Josh?” Dr. Wentz asked me as I settled into the couch across from him.   
“Actually pretty good.”  
“That’s great to hear my friend. Is there anything in particular you want to discuss today, I don’t have anything specific planned to discuss.”  
I thought about whether I should bring up my date last night. He knew about Tyler, I had discussed him briefly before, only mentioning that he was a good friend to me. I didn’t know whether he would approve of me dating so soon after the incident. He might say I need to take time to focus on myself but I didn’t agree with that at all. Tyler was a good thing in my life and being with him made me happy.   
“I went on a date last night.”  
Dr. Wentz smiled, “That’s awesome dude. Who’s the lucky person?”  
“It’s Tyler.”   
“Your friend Tyler?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Haha I should have known. You can’t stop smiling today, you must have it bad.”  
I blushed a little but couldn’t hide my smile from him. “Yeah he really means alot to me. He truly understands me and there’s no pretense necessary when I’m with him. He makes me really happy.”  
“I’m happy for you Josh, you deserve someone like that in your life. Especially after all you’ve been through. You know I was around your age when I met my now husband.”  
“You’re gay?”  
“Yup. Have been my whole life.” He said with a cheeky grin. “My husband Patrick is also a psychologist, he works at a practice across town.”  
“Did you struggle with being gay at all?”  
“I struggled with how I knew I might be treated by society for who I was. But I never struggled with the idea of being gay. I think it’s quite a blessing, there’s an amazing sense of community among LGBT people. There’s so many open minded and kind hearted people I’ve met in my life because of my sexuality.”  
“So you are happy?”  
“I’ve gone through my own battles with depression, but now with my husband by my side I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”  
“You don’t think gay people are doomed to hell and eternal damnation.”  
“I’d say that depends on what you personally believe. I’m not much of a religious person. I just believe in the power of love and having respect for all my fellow humans.”  
I thought about what he said. My one worry when I was first discovering my sexuality was fear of hell. Worrying that the sin of homosexuality was something so reprehensible that I would burn for eternity. But lots of people didn’t believe that. I knew there were churches that accepted gay people.   
“I used to worry about going to hell a lot. It really tore me up.”  
“You say it used to, does it not anymore?”  
“I don’t know exactly when it changed. I don’t think I do believe that anymore. It’s not something I want to believe. I don’t dwell on that thought so much now. My suicide attempt brought some clarity to me I think.”  
“That’s a drastic way to find clarity but I’m glad you’ve at least begun to find some peace regarding that.”  
I walked out of therapy still feeling good about the day. As I sat through the silent car ride home with my mother I texted with Tyler. He asked me if I wanted to come over to his apartment tomorrow for game night with his friends. Apparently his two best friends Ashley and Gerard wanted to meet me.   
The thought of meeting them made me nervous. What if they didn’t like me, Tyler obviously valued their opinion so it they didn’t like me it could be all over. I swallowed down my nerves and responded with a yes, that I would be there tomorrow night at six o’clock.   
I really hoped they liked me.


	25. Chapter 25 - Fun with Frens

Tyler's P.O.V.

I met Gerard on the first day I volunteered at the hotline. He was sitting in the break room drinking black coffee and looking rather sullen. He appeared to be someone I could relate to so I took I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table with him. I wanted to strike up a conversation but unfortunately that was not something I excelled at. So rather awkwardly I just threw out a platitude hoping he would reply.  
“Hey, what’s up.”  
“Absolutely nothing.” Gerard responded with a dull monotone.  
“I’m Tyler.” I said, feeling slightly anxious and now feeling like I needed to talk more in order to avoid an awkward silence. “It’s my first day here. I’m working with Brendon, he’s showing me the ropes.”  
“Fun.”  
“Not much of a talker, are you?” I queried.  
“Nope.”  
I sat back in the chair and hurried to drain my cup of coffee eager to get out of the room. I thought he was kind of a dick and just wanted to get away from him. I rushed out of the break room in record time and went to spend the rest of my break outside.  
I didn’t see him again until the end of my shift when I went outside to wait for the bus. He was sat on the bench smoking a cigarette. I knew I had to wait about fifteen minutes before the next bus came. It was a choice between sitting next to him or sitting next to the crazy old man at the bus stop who kept trying to convince me of an impending alien apocalypse. Needless to say I chose to sit beside Gerard.  
“Hey,” I said as I sat down beside the untalkative sullen emo boy.  
“Greetings, once again,” he responded, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
“Are you waiting for the bus too,” I asked.  
“No. I’m waiting for my boyfriend Frank to pick me up.”  
“Lucky you, not having to take the bus. There’s a crazy old guy who keeps trying to warn me about aliens coming to take over the world.”  
“That’s my grandpa.” He said as he looked over at me and stared at me with an unamused expression.  
“Oh shit, I’m sorry man. I didn’t mean to sound disrespectful or anything. I mean he’s nice enough but he might need psychiatric help and really I’m just concerned.”  
Suddenly he let out a small chuckle, which I would soon learn was about as much joy as he would ever express.  
“I'm just shitting you man. My grandpa’s dead.”  
“Fuck you dude, I’m too gullible for my own,” I huffed out, but feeling relieved that I hadn’t actually insulted him.  
“I’m gonna have to say no the fucking. My Frankie the only one to have that honor.”  
“Not interested in a threesome?” I replied suddenly feeling more comfortable now that we were joking.  
“Nah, I don’t share well.”  
Just as he said that a car pulled up to the curb and he jumped up. “Speak of the devil. I’ll see you around Tyler.”  
I watched as he got in the car and leaned into kiss an extremely cute man with a hell of a lot of tattoos.  
******  
“Please don’t be too weird,” I begged my two friends as we sat around waiting for Josh to arrive.  
“Um excuse me,” Ashley proclaimed loudly. “Are you trying to stifle my identity, of which a strong sense of weirdness is a large part of. I will not be oppressed by you and your patriarchy.”  
“Ash, I’m not trying to oppress you and you know I think the patriarchy is bullshit. I just mean don’t be quite so loud. Josh can be kind of shy and I don’t want to to scare him with your um volume and uh vulgarity.”  
“I can’t help it that I am a loud and proud sexually liberated women. But sure, for you I will tone down the sex jokes.”  
“Thank you Ash. You know I love your weirdness.”  
“Of course you do. I’m amazing.”  
“When he gets here don’t make a big fuss out of our relationship. We haven’t really defined anything yet and I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable.”  
“Jesus fuck Ty, I will be on my best behavior don’t worry. I can’t wait to meet the guy who has stolen my bestie’s heart and gave him a bad case of the feels.”  
“He is really amazing. I know you guys will love him.”  
“As long as he’s not a republican we’ll probably be okay,” Gerard piped in.  
“Ew yeah. I can’t handle republicans. He better not be Tyler or it’s gonna be a real bummer.” Ashley said agreeing with Gee.  
“We haven’t really discussed politics but I highly doubt that he is.”  
“Good.”  
I shook my head at my friend's antics just in time to hear a knock at the door. I jumped up suddenly feeling anxious for everything to be perfect. “He’s here! Look natural.” I whisper yelled at them as I went to answer the door.  
I opened it and saw Josh standing there in ripped up black skinny jeans and an old blink-182. I smiled knowing Ash and Gee would immediately love him just for that shirt. “Hey Josh, come on in.” I said motioning him into my apartment. Ashley and Gee stood up from the couch to greet him. I walked shortly behind him and readied myself for the introductions.  
“Ash, Gee, this is Josh. Josh these are my two best friends in the whole world, Ashley and Gerard.”  
“Hiiiii, oh my god. It’s so cool to finally meet the heartstopper Tyler can’t stop talking about. You are so precious and adorable. I want to hug you. Can I hug you?” Ashley gushed out causing me to groan internally.  
Josh looked completely taken aback by my overzealous friend but nodded his head yes. Ashley wrapped him up in a hug and he actually smiled causing me to let out a sigh of relief.  
“I’m not gonna hug you. But hello.” Gerard said from where he stood just behind Ashley.  
“Hi. It’s great to meet you guys. Tyler’s told me a lot about you guys.”  
“Don’t believe a word of it.” Gerard said with a small smile on his lips.  
I just shook my head at Gerard, but I couldn’t help but smile. Three of my favorite in one room and everyone was getting along. It was all so perfect and I didn’t stop smiling the entire night.


	26. Chapter 26 - Blue News

Josh's P.O.V.

“I think this is going to be a good season, don’t you?” Jack asked me as we headed back towards the locker room after the first practice of the season.   
“Yeah definitely. The freshman this year have a lot of potential. I’m excited to see how they do with some more practice.”  
One of my favorite things to do was talk soccer with my best friend. It was senior year and I was the captain and my best friend was my right hand man on the field. Everything was perfect, it was set to be the best year ever. It was all because I had my best friend by my side. The same best friend I maybe sort of had feelings for. But I was trying to forget about these feelings.  
After we showered and changed, Jack and I drove back to my house. It was a tradition for him to come over and hang after soccer practice. Usually we would just lounge around my room and watch stupid youtube videos or listen to music and talk about random shit.   
“Head up to my room,” I told Jack when we got to my house. “I’m just going to grab some snacks.” I went to the kitchen and grabbed as much food as I could carry in my arms and then made my way up to my room to hang out with my best friend. It was the first week of senior year but I was already feeling nostalgic about the fact that this was the last year I would have this time with my best friend before we went our separate ways to college.   
“Yo I grabbed a bunch of shit so you can chose whatever you want.” I said dropping everything onto the bed wear Jack had made himself comfortable.   
“Awesome.” He said grabbing the bag of salt and vinegar chips and a bottle of water. I sat back next to him and helped myself to some of the chips.   
“So senior year is gonna be great.” I commented.  
“Oh yeah, it’s our time to rule man. We’re finally at the top of the hierarchy.”  
“Haha yeah, hopefully the power doesn’t go to our heads.”  
Our shoulders were touching so that I could feel the heat of his skin against my own. We usually never sat this close but I didn’t think much of it. A part of me, the part I didn’t want to acknowledge, even liked the closeness. But of course I didn’t allow myself to admit this at the time.   
As we passed the time chatting about school and sports teams I couldn’t help but begin to notice how his hand seemed to brush against mine over and over again. I was in slight disbelief. Was I imagining this? I had to be, this could not be what I thought it was. When I felt his hand on my thigh I freaked out on the inside. But my exterior remained calm.   
Suddenly the room was silent, neither of us was speaking. We were both staring at each other intensely, neither of us knew exactly what to say or do. After that moment everything got fuzzy. I can’t remember if I kissed him or if he kissed me. I only know that at that moment we were caught and then my entire life spiraled out of control. I had no friends left after that.   
******  
“So what did you think of them?” Tyler asked me after Gerard and Ashley had left for the evening. I was snuggled up next to Tyler, realizing that I fit perfectly beside him.   
“They were amazing Tyler. You are lucky to have them in your life.”  
“I know I am. I feel lucky to have met them. They’ve been there for me through a lot. I don’t know what I would have done without them.”  
“Good friends are important.” I said softly thinking of how I lacked any true friendships anymore. Everyone in my life had abandoned me, which just proved to me now that perhaps that which had been binding us together in the first place was tenuous at best.  
“Hey Josh,” Tyler said forcing me to look up at him. “What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing, I muttered not feeling in the mood to discuss my lack of meaningful friendships.  
“Please don’t lie to me Josh.”  
“I don’t have anything like what you have with Ashley and Gerard. All of my friends dropped me the moment they found out I was gay. Which makes me think they weren’t much of friends in the first place if they could just cut me out of their lives so easily. Maybe I never had a true friendship in my whole life.”  
“It doesn’t matter what’s in the past. You have a whole future ahead of you to make friends that will love and accept you for who you are. I’m sure Ashley and Gerard will not let you go now that they’ve met you.” Tyler told me with a smile on his face.   
I couldn’t help but smile in return thinking of the giant bear hug Ashley had given me before she left. And the way Gerard patted me on the back and gave me a side smirk before walking out the door. I knew in my heart that I had two new friends in my life and that was something to be excited about.   
And looking at the man who had his arms wrapped around my waist I knew I had something more with him. Something that didn’t yet have a label but was far past just friendship. The eyes which stared into my own were full of something much more than just friendly affection. I was curious if the lust I saw in his eyes mirrored my own.  
I turned so that I was properly facing him suddenly feeling emboldened. I moved so that I was straddling his waist and I leaned in and kissed Tyler. His lips met mine with the same eagerness. This kiss was so much more intense than every previous kiss. There was much more exploration on both of our parts.   
Eventually after several minutes of heavily making out we both separated if only to catch our breath. “Do you want this as much as I do?” I asked feeling a bit timid about the whole thing but also extremely turned on.   
“Fuck yeah,” Tyler breathed out, his voice thick with lust.  
Suddenly his lips were crashing against mine once again. We became a mess of wandering hands and heavy breathing. It was so much better than anything I had ever done with Debbie. This is what it felt like to be turned on by someone you not only were physically attracted to, but also had an emotional connection with.   
Somehow I lost my shirt and then I felt Tyler’s breath on the sensitive skin of my chest and I knew I was a goner. I grabbed at the hem of his shirt trying to pull it off but he stopped me as he did so.   
Breathing heavily he spoke to me. “I’m sorry Josh.”  
I was so confused. “What? Did I do something wrong?”  
“No. Fuck no, not at all. It’s just that there’s something I need to tell you. Something about me that could make you think twice about being with me.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
I saw him take a deep breath before he spoke. Then he said three words that left me in a stunned silence. He was HIV positive.   
No.


	27. Chapter 27 - Fuck Yeah

Tyler's P.O.V.

I knew what pain was. Pain was the feeling I felt throughout my entire childhood knowing that I’d never be good enough in the eyes of my father. The physical pain my father inflicted on me was one thing, but the emotional pain was a whole different thing. As a result of him I had no self esteem or self worth. So when my own father kicked me out of the house I went straight into selling my body. The drugs and alcohol were an afterthought. But they were a temporary escape from the pain.   
I was always looking for an escape.   
The best escape I found was heroin. It gave the most amazing highs, it got rid of every ounce of pain. For a few hours at least. It made the pain of what I had to do to make a living bearable. It was an irresponsible thing to do and it made me act even more erratically. I knew having unprotected sex was wrong, just like I knew sharing needles was wrong. But I did both.   
It shouldn’t have been a shock to me when I found out that I was HIV positive. I had been asking for it for years with my behavior. But it still was a shock to me. It shook me to the core. It simultaneously made me want to live and die. I didn’t know what to feel.   
After I got clean and sober I thought I could finally start dating. I wanted to find someone to share my life with because I knew I had been given a second chance. I knew I had to disclose my status to anyone I might want to date, but I was naive. I thought once I explained that I was on medication and as long as we had safe sex there was no danger, that guys wouldn’t mind. But the stigma around the disease was too much, and no one ever stayed after I told them.   
Rejection was a whole new kind of pain.   
******  
I was so pissed off at myself for letting things go so quickly with Josh without telling him about me. It was a huge mistake on my part. It was something Patrick had warned me about and I did it anyway. I had gotten extremely attached to Josh, not just romantically but emotionally. I could hear Patrick’s voice in my head warning me about this very thing. Getting too emotionally invested in someone who might not always be there for me. It wasn’t a smart thing for me to do while I was in recovery.   
It could be potentially dangerous if I relapsed.   
So when I found myself in a slightly compromising situation with Josh after Ashley and Gerard left, I had a ball of fear in my stomach. I did it the same way I had every time before. Just blurt out the words before I could really even think about it. A part of me was prepared for him to spit in my face and run out of here and never speak to me again. A smaller part of me was hopeful he would at least stay and hear me out before he left me forever.   
“I’m HIV positive.”  
Josh looked taken aback by my words but he didn’t move away from me. That was a good sign.   
“Okay...are you alright? It’s not too serious is it?”  
It was my turn to be taken aback. He wasn’t running away from me, he was asking me if I was okay. This was completely new to me, this wasn’t a scenario I had ever played through in my head before.   
“Yeah I am okay. I’m on medication for it, so I’m not contagious or anything.”  
What he did next surprised me but it really shouldn’t have. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight.   
“Thank God. I just want you to be safe and healthy.” He told me as I buried my head into his shoulder to hide my tears. He pulled away from me so that we were face to face.   
“What’s wrong?” He asked sounding confused.  
“Nothing’s wrong. I just can’t believe I have someone as amazing as you in my life. No one has ever reacted so well to hearing about my condition.”  
The way he stared at me and looked me straight in the eyes did nothing to stop the tears. I felt so exposed in that moment but completely at ease. I had never felt this before. This was something I thought I would never feel. He glanced down at his lap for a moment and I watched the way he chewed on his bottom lip nervously for a moment before looking back up at me.   
“I don’t know if I’m coming on a bit strong by saying this now. But I think now is as good a time as any. You know I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. You not only saved my life, but since then you’ve given me everything I needed to start and feel better. You gave me friendship, and someone to share a laugh with. Someone to be a sarcastic idiot with.” He paused at that and smiled. I was smiling through my tears of joy.   
“You’ve listened to me, held me when I’ve cried. Made me laugh when I feel down. What I’m trying to say is I’m pretty sure you could tell me that the only way you experience true happiness is by boiling live puppies and I’d still...I’d still love you.” He whispered out the last few words but I still heard them loud in my ears.   
Now it was my turned to be stunned into silence. He reached forward and wiped away the few tears left on my cheek with his thumb. I reached up and grabbed his hand in my own. I held his hands in my own. “Well,” I muttered quietly. “I don’t get any joy from boiling live puppies. But I do love you. I love you so much and I was so afraid of losing you.”  
“You are so beautiful Tyler. I never want to lose you.”   
He leaned into kiss me again and this time it was calm and slow. There was nothing but love and careful attention in every touch. When we broke apart after a few minutes we were both silent with the reality of the words we’d just spoken. There was just one more question I needed to ask him.  
“Josh?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Will you be my boyfriend?”  
He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a deep kiss before he muttered his response against my lips.”  
“Fuck yeah.”


End file.
